Just one of those days

Today is a day where sitting down with my pint of Vanilla Almond Bark ice cream would be dangerous, but that's exactly what I feel like doing, only I'm not because I know I'd regret it later, so Im just eating some chocolate instead.

As you know, I still haven't found permanent help, but part of me doesn't want permanent help. I know there's nothing wrong with having a mother's helper, but I like being by myself. I feel like crap asking people to help me with the baby. Maybe having a mother's helper would be more bearable if I were working, but I'm not working now. I think having help is harder to swallow because it's a confession that I can't and shouldn't be on my own with my baby. In my building I have my next door neighbor who occasionally helps, though I know she's getting tired of it. I understand that. People have lives and they have already had their kids. Why would they want to deal with mine? Yesterday I met the woman who lives downstairs with her family. After discovering that she works from home, you can guess what my first question was=) She said she'd be glad to help me. I'm just tired of organizing people and times. I actually have a whiteboard with a weekly schedule. Unfortunately, It's empty for the remainder of this week. I have to call the volunteers and coordinate...UGH!! Scheduling is on a 3-4 hour shift since Naama is on about a 3 hour eating schedule, but the hardest times are the mornings. Sometimes she'll wake at 630am, so I feed her in bed, which means that the person who is scheduled to show up at 7, now I don't really need her and I hate hate hate having someone here so bright and early in the morning, especially on nights I barely slept. Sometimes I have to let them into my bedroom when my husband is trying to get ready for work....talk about awkward and frustrating.

Today, Mary Poppins was here from 7am-12pm. At 2:30, I texted my neighbor and asked if she was available to help me nurse. She came over and after feeding, we changed Naama. Ten minutes after my neighbor left, I hear Naama leaving me a present. Great! I didn't want to call my neighbor back because she was getting ready for work. I decided to deal with Naama on my own. I wheeled the stroller to her swing so I could transport her to the couch. As soon as Naama saw the stroller, she broke into a huge smile and began flapping her arms and legs in anticipation of a walk. Poor baby didn't realize I was only wheeling her about 3 steps to the couch! talk about a letdown! As I thought, Naama left me an explosive surprise which required me to change her onezie. Since I can't get the onezie over her head, I had to think outside the box. I changed her diaper hoping I put it on securely. I got her arms out of the onezie and then just shimmied the onezie down her body. I placed her in her footed pj's and buttoned her up. It took me quite awhile to change her.  I had trouble snapping the snaps closed. Naama eventually started to squirm and cry and I almost joined her, especially, as I glanced up to see Doggie on the balcony vomitting up shabbos potatoes for the 5th time today, thanks to children overfeeding him, but I finished changing Naama and finally got her back in the stroller. Naama fell asleep shortly afterward.

I sat down wiped and felt very defeated. What pushed me over the edge and the reason I began writing this post is because I saw pictures on Facebook of a friend who recently had her second child. She looked great. The baby was resting on her in a sling as she pushed her older child in a stroller. I immediately felt very jealous and sad. She can take care of her kids on her own no problem. I will never be able to carry Naama on me. I know everyone has their problems and I shouldn't compare blah blah blah, but yea I'm gonna compare. It sucks being me sometimes. The other reason I'm very jealous of her and some other friends who recently had babies, is that she had a home birth and was raving about how amazing the experience was. My other friends got to experience their baby's birth, but I was knocked out for Naama's birth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wanted to experience the pain of childbirth, even though I do think it would be nice to have gone through the birth experience at least once, but I at least wanted to be awake to see and hear my baby come into the world, but because I can't have an epidural without risking major neurological damage, I will never be awake for any other of my children's births. Maybe it's just because Naama is my first born, but for nearly 2 months after her birth, I felt I was missing a certain connection with her because I wasn't awake for her birth. I kinda feel cheated that I had a C-section under general anesthesia. When people ask how the birthing experience was and I say I had a c section, I get looks like oh poor you. sometimes the person asking will actually say Oh....which is followed by an awkward silence. This isn't just my perception.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm reminded of that whenever Naama smiles at me, but today is just one of those days...

Blessing

God has blessed me with a very intuitive baby. She understands mommy has limitations. The other day, I lifted Naama from her stroller to her changing mat which I had placed on our bed. Having the mat on our bed makes me feel more stable than trying to change her when the mat is on top of her changing table. I struggled to get her diaper on properly, and I couldnt get her onezie over her head. I tried numerous times but I couldn't do it. Getting the onezie over her head is a task that requires using both hands at the same time while slightly lifting the baby's head and then pulling the onezie down over her head and down her body. I was amazed that Naama didn't cry or squirm as I kept trying to get the onezie over her head. She just lay there quietly studying my face. In the end, my husband finished dressing her.



If Naama is wearing a button up dress, I can place her in the dress and then just button her up. Unfortunately she doesn't have many button up dresses, but the one she does have is super cute on her.

Unfortunately, Naama took the dump of her life in this dress a few weeks ago and I'm still trying to get the stains out!!

Another way God has blessed me is that Naama has been sleeping through the night since she was two months old. When I tell this to other parents of newborns they're shocked. I believe Naama knows that if she gets up at night, daddy also has to get up. He has to lift her from her bassinet and burp her when I'm done feeding her. My husband would be a zombie at work if he were getting up every night with me and the baby. I'm also very blessed that Naama wakes up smiling every morning. I don't know many babies who wake up smiling!

Naama did me a huge favor a few weeks ago, when we tagged along on one of my husband's meetings. I didn't have anyone to help me and I didn't want to be alone when Naama needed to eat. Naama  doesn't really nap for long periods of time and I was nervous that I'd have to interrupt my husband's meeting so he could give me the baby to nurse her and then burp her. Shortly after we arrived at the meeting, Naama fell asleep and stayed asleep for nearly 3 hours!!! I was so thankful=0)

My baby continually amazes me with how intuitive she is. I can pick Naama up from her swing if I'm sitting across from her. One day, I picked her up just to eat her up and I realized I could burp her in this position! She's big enough now that when I hold her against me, she can stand on me so all I have to do is pat her back. I was so happy when I realized I could burp her on my own. Last week, I was on my own for 4 hours with Naama. I pumped milk and bottle fed and burped Naama. Bending forward to feed her in her swing strains my lower back after awhile, so I was amazed when I saw Naama doing this

                    

I couldn't believe that at 4 months old she can hold the bottle by herself and actually be eating from the bottle!! I lifted Naama 3 times to burp her during her feeding. My hands and arms got tired from lifting and holding her. I didn't factor fatigue into the situation but I was extra careful with her. I loved being able to hug her as I waited for a burp. She kept nuzzling into my neck and I love her intoxicating baby smell. Having the ability to pick Naama up when she's in her swing makes me so happy. If I feel like taking a bite out of her I can, or if she's crying and just wants to be held, I can comfort her. Lifting her was something I didn't do when she was younger. I was too afraid of her lack of head control.

Realizing that I could feed Naama on my own gave me the courage to see what else I could do on my own. My husband was around as a precaution, but using the chair, her stroller and the couch, I did almost everything on my own.  From her swing, I put her in the stroller which is how I transport her around. On the couch, I can change her diaper or put her on her tummy time mat.

My setup

Putting her diaper on is hit or miss. Sometimes I put it on correctly and other times not so well, but practice makes perfect.

                                                    
                                                         mmmmm the fat rolls;)...oh yea successful diaper change!

 I'm ALMOST at the point where I can be alone with Naama all day. Once my husband takes Naama out of her bassinet and dresses her, I'm fine with her but if Naama decides to do an explosive poop and I have to change her onezie I'm stuck, so that remains a problem to be solved. If I have milk pumped, I can be on my own with Naama for longer periods of time. As great as it finally feels to have my independence, I know being alone with Naama for the day is not a realistic or safe option. 

I'm not always able to have a bottle ready for a single feeding, let alone have multiple bottles ready. If I formula fed her my problem would be solved, but I don't want to give up nursing since it's the healthiest option for her. Also, I love the closeness that nursing provides, so as annoying as it is to have to have someone with me, that's just the way it has to be. I need someone to hand me the baby to nurse and help position her in the football position when she feeds on my right side. I recently met a neighbor who is about my age. She offered to help me during feeding times because she is home with her kids anyway. I took her up on her offer once. Other than feeding time, I was alone with Naama all day. It felt good but scary at the same time that I was alone with Naama for so long. I feel that when a person gets too comfortable doing something that's when the accident happens, so that's another reason why I decided I won't be alone with Naama all day. 

Unfortunately, I still haven't managed to find a permanent mother's helper, so I have people coming in shifts throughout the day. The two people I had before are still helping me. Other people have volunteered their time in shifts. I'm very grateful for all the help, especially the volunteers since that cuts down on the cost of having help, but there are just days when having people here 10 hours a day gets to me, so some days I won't schedule anyone for the lat 4 hours because I just want to be by myself. However, having such a good tempered, adorable baby who everyone loves, makes having people here bearable. I just wish people wouldn't feel free to kiss her. That drives me nuts. Who knows what bacteria they may have??!! I haven't found a nice way to say LAY OFF MY KID yet=) 

I know my Naama is just yummy, especially when she smiles.  My Naama really is a blessing in every way.

The little train that could

I'm going to start this post by tooting my own horn;) Today I felt like the little train that could. Today I felt like my old self again. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I needed to take Doggie for a walk. My husband had left for work and the girl who helps me for the day hadn't shown up yet. The baby had been fed and was sitting happily in her swing.

At nearly 4 months old, Naama is big enough that she can sit in the stroller with an insert. Before hand, we had to put her car seat in the stroller. Because of the car seat's height once in the stroller, I never even attempted to put Naama in the stroller. For the first time just last week ,I put Naama in the stroller without the car seat, so I knew I could do it this time, except this time I was completely by myself. Last time, my husband was sort of with me. I say sort of because he was asleep on the couch. Today, Naama was gurgling happily in her swing, unaware of what mommy was about to try. I placed the stroller next to her, put the brakes on the stroller and sat down in a chair across from my baby and the stroller. I lifted my baby from the swing, brought her close to me so I could kiss her yummy cheek and placed her in the stroller! I strapped her in and we took Doggie to the park.

I was so proud of my accomplishment, I felt like jumping up and down shouting I DID IT!! I was so proud of myself that I took a picture of us in the elevator on our way back=)

Being able to do this small thing with my baby makes me feel more like her mother and not just her food source. Until now, I barely walked her in the stroller because the car seat made the stroller top heavy and easily tippable. Now with no car seat, the stroller is much lighter, so I feel more secure walking her.

Last week, when I went for a walk with the baby and my husband, I wheeled the stroller through the park and down a bit of a steep path. I felt good! I mentioned to my husband I was happy that I could do more now with my baby. I hate the way I feel when I can't physically do something, especially since I'm a doer...When we got back to our building, we had to wait for the sabbath elevator. I had to use the bathroom and couldn't wait for the elevator which stops at every floor in sabbath mode. Instead I climbed 6 flights of stairs. Doggie and I reached our apartment before my husband and the baby. I was out of breath but I felt great! I love being active. During the pregnancy and after the C section, I wasn't active at all.

Even though I can do a bit more with the baby on my own, I'm still searching for a nanny. Right now, I have two people switching days while my husband is at work. He got a day job outside the house, so we don't need a live in anymore! One of the nannies is an older, South African woman. I've dubbed her Mary Poppins. She speaks all proper with her accent and is a fine woman. She also turns up for work in a white overcoat, not unlike a doctor's coat. From the moment we interviewed Mary Poppins, I felt I finally found someone who understood me. She said I needed to feel comfortable with her since I am the baby's mother and she didn't want to overstep her bounds. I could've kissed her=) If you've read my other posts, you know I've had issues with other nannies. During our interview, I had to nurse Naama. Mary Poppins said "Do you mind if I look?" The woman was soooo hired=) I told her that I appreciated that she wanted to give me my privacy, but that I needed help positioning and burping the baby during nursing, so privacy in that respect kinda goes out the window. Unfortunately, Mary Poppins wasn't available every day, so she gives me two days a week.

When the baby's diaper needs changing, I will clean her and Mary Poppins will diaper and dress her. One day Mary Poppins said "It must be so hard for you dahling to have all these nannies here." My goal for you is to be rid of us nannies and for you to achieve independence." My jaw was on the floor. I promptly shut my mouth=) She proceded to teach me a few things This woman really understood what I was going through. WOW! When I need help with the baby, Mary Poppins will ask "Do you need my hands?" Interesting that she doesn't ask do you need me? She wants me to be as involved with my baby as possible. The second time she bathed Naama, she asked if I wanted to wash Naama as she held her. I smiled and said "sure". Naama was fixated on my face as I washed the front of her body as I spoke to her. As Mary Poppins was toweling Naama off, I told her this was the first time I washed Naama. She looked at me in disbelief and said "are you joking?"

Mary Poppins has given me the courage to try and do more with the baby. Today, I changed her diaper and buttoned her pajamas back up. I put her changing mat on my bed to make changing the baby easier. Her mat usually rests on her dresser in the nursery, which makes me uneasy when trying to change her, because the mat moves and I'm always nervous I may lose my balance. Having the mat on my bed takes away the balance issue, but bending over for more than a minute really hurts my back, so this is all still a work in progress!

Unfortunately, as much as I like Mary Poppins, she will only be able to give me a few mornings a week. Working all day is too much for her, even if she takes a rest upstairs=( I wonder if Mary Poppins has a twin...

Celebration & Chocolate cake

Today I'm in a celebratory mood, so in the middle of writing this post, I decided to quickly bake myself a gluten free chocolate walnut cake=) I LOVE chocolate. In addition to being gluten free, I'm also sugar free. Yes it's a major pain in the butt when it comes to baking desserts, but I manage with substitutes. Tonight I didn't want to think about figuring out substitutes. I was gonna go all out. Sugar? In to the cake the brown sugar went! As I put the sugar back, I spotted the coffee. Chocolate and Coffee....yum! Coffee is another thing that bothers my stomach, so I haven't had coffee in over 2 years, but I'm celebrating, so what the hell=) A teaspoon of coffee went into the cake=)

What am I celebrating? My beautiful Naama is 3 months old today! According to the baby Iphone apps, my baby has graduated from newborn to infant stage. Man does time fly!!

I'm also celebrating more breakthroughs this weekend. I was by myself with Naama who as usual was on her tummy time mat on the couch. When she'd had enough of tummy time, I picked her up, sat her on my lap and sang to her. When she got fussy, I put her back on her tummy. When she started to cry, I flipped her on her back. Still crying, I realized she was hungry and wanted to eat NOW! I tried calming her because I wanted to wait for my husband to get back from walking Doggie, but Naama wasn't waiting and I felt I was in a secure position to pick her up. I strapped my nursing pillow around my waist, picked Naama up and settled her on my left side to nurse. I was surprised that it wasn't that difficult. Would I do it again while alone? Probably not. When my husband walked in and saw me nursing Naama he said "wow I'm impressed! You did that on your own?!" I just smiled=) I'm also able to pick Naama up from her swing as long as I'm sitting down and I only pick her up if I feel I have to. She has better head control now, so it's easier to pick her up from surface to surface. One huge advantage of being able to pick Naama up from her swing, is that she's facing me, so before I sit her on my lap, I get to hug her yummy little body=)

Who knows, maybe one day, I will gain enough confidence to hold Naama as I'm standing, just the way I did with a friend's baby in 2009. If I can stand with Naama, that's all it will be, just standing still, no attempts to move a step forward. I won't take that chance, but to be able to hold Naama like I did this baby...

Oh, did I forget to mention that last week, half an hour before she was supposed to turn up for work, Mila the nanny called my husband and quit without giving much of a reason. I had a mixed reaction. I was surprised she quit. When she left Friday, everything seemed fine, especially since I had smoothed over issues I had with her. My next thought was oh shit what am I gonna do now? My 3rd thought was thank god I don't have someone living in my house anymore.

Later on, I spoke to a friend whose caretaker is friends with Mila. Her caretaker said the reason Mila quit was because she wanted more money. I almost hit the roof. The woman worked 4.5 days a week and received a very nice salary which included an allowance. Yes you read correctly. She received a small allowance every week for her day off. Sound ridiculous?? It is! I haven't received an allowance since I was a child and I had to work for that allowance! Here Mila got pocket money for her day off! As crazy as that is, apparenty all philipinos get an allowance in addition to their salary. that's just the way it's done. In addition to that, Mila had the best room in the house with her own bathroom and shower. We gave her the master bedroom upstairs. We have one of the smaller rooms downstairs because I wasn't sure I could deal with the stairs in the last stages of my pregnancy and after a C section.

So now that Mila is gone, It's just me and my husband and that makes it difficult because he has to stop whatever he's doing to help me with the baby. This has changed our relationship somewhat. Before Naama was born, the word can't wasn't in my vocabulary. I think that is one of the things that attracted my husband to me. I didn't let having Cerebral Palsy stop me. Now, the word can't is part of my daily life and I know it's a difficult thing for us to get used to.

On Thursday nights my husband works outside the house, so we hired an older woman to come and be with me and the baby for a few hours. She was a nice lady and we talked about several things, but man did she smell! My apartment reeked so bad afterward. The whole time the woman was here, I felt like crying. I hate that I always have to have someone here. I just want to be by myself, but it's been like a revolving door around here lately. I think even Naama is weirded out by the different people who have helped me out. When this old woman was holding Naama, my husband remarked how strangely the baby was looking at this new woman. See? I knew it! The baby does know who's taking care of her! Plus, it's always awkward with strangers. Because I need help positioning the baby for nursing, whoever is helping me sees my breasts. I have no privacy. My breasts aren't a private part of my body anymore since they are Naama's food source. However, one good thing I learned from this old woman was that it's possible to feed Naama in the swing if I have to. Today, I did.

So now we are trying to find someone new to help out, but we don't need a live in anymore. I am in the process of dealing with the national insurance institute to increase my disability percentage now that my situation has changed and I can't take care of my baby on my own. Receiving a higher percentage, will enable me to get help at home that's paid for, as well as other disability services. Unfortunately, being unable to care for my baby isn't going to score me any points. Only if my physical situation has changed will they consider increasing my disability percentage. I am now trying to prove things are worse by doing a bunch of tests. If any problems show up, better for me=) Getting permission to do some of these tests call for a twisting of the truth just a bit. The person helping me to increase my percentage, sent me to an ENT to try and get him to give me permission for a hearing test. I realized that one of the things he wanted me to tell this ENT was that I also had a ringing noise in my ears! I almost burst out laughing when I found that out. So with a straight face, I told the ENT I thought I was losing my hearing and that I sometimes hear a high pitch sound like EEEEE!! He gave me a slip for the hearing test and after examining me he actually saw that I have acute sinusitis! Score=) Sinusitis....add it to my collection of problems...why not? What's one more ailment?? Now where's that chocolate cake I baked??

Complete

I was going to start this post differently, but I have made some breakthroughs recently, so I figure they are worth starting with=)

Drum roll please.... I picked up my 12 week old daughter for the first time on March 2nd!! Naama was face down on her tummy time mat crying hysterically. The mat was on the couch. I was sitting beside her trying to calm her but nothing was working. The nanny was cleaning upstairs and I couldn't wait for her to come down. I just couldn't hear my baby cry so hard any longer. I swung the baby's legs towards me, put my hands under her arms and lifted her up on to my lap. I was surprised at how light she was! As I placed her on my lap, she quieted down and I had the biggest smile on my face. Just then, the nanny came downstairs and saw me holding the baby. The look on her face was one of total surprise and a bit of shock but she didn't say anything. Today, March 10, I picked her up again. This time, Naama was on her back. Like last time, I was sitting beside her. My husband encouraged me to pick her up. I was nervous because I was afraid the baby would throw her head back, but she didn't. I lifted my crying daughter and hugged her. It was such a yummy feeling! My husband said he was proud of me=)

The other big thing that happened is that the baby sits comfortably on me now that she's a bit bigger. This may not seem like a big thing, but it really is. Until now, I have mainly been feeding her, which was the extent of my physical connection with my daughter. I wanted more. Now that she can sit on me, I feel so much more connected to her. I sing to her as I cuddle with her and breathe in her warm, sweet baby smell. We often sit this way after nursing. In a sitting position I can hold her close and eat her up as long as she lets me. She's mine. No more holding other people's babies and feeling sad when I have to give the baby back.
The first time I held Naama in a sitting position was when the nanny placed her on me. I thought it would just be our moment, but then I saw Mila making the baby smile. Well gee, doesn't this defeat the purpose of mommy and daughter time?! Today, on Mila's day off, I cuddled and sang to the baby for more than half an hour and it was just us, no interruptions!

Recently, Naama started smiling in reaction to stimulation and people instead of just smiling because she has gas! My baby loves to be entertained and now that she's more aware and smiles back, I can do all sorts of things to make her happy. I dance, sing, and stimulate her with toys, so if she starts crying, I have more options now then just rocking the cradle or sticking a pacifier in her mouth.

My little baby has brought so much light into our lives. Yes, we are exhausted like all parents of newborns, but we are so happy to finally have our baby. A month after Naama was born we celebrated our 5th anniversary. For 3 years, we tried for the baby we so badly wanted, but G-d had other plans and I suffered 2 miscarriages.  I physically felt empty. My arms craved to hold my baby. Our lives used to be so routine, so empty and somewhat sad.

Now our home and our lives are complete. Simply having her baby toys around the house brings a smile to my face. Singing along to Toddler Tunes as I nurse her and watching her in her swing as the music plays, brings such joy to my heart and fills me with such a light, carefree feeling. Even though her swing music has become our new Top 40, I love hearing every note. That heavy emptiness I carried for 3 years is gone.

On Friday nights, I light a tiny sabbath candle for her. A candle's flame represents a soul. During our hard times, when I lit my two candles, I fervently prayed for a baby. My two candles have become 3. We have been blessed with a beautiful soul.

                                                Photo not taken on shabbos

Every morning as I nurse my daughter, I sing her the morning prayer of thanks in Hebrew and in English. (My version goes to the tune of You are my Sunshine).

Oh every morning when I'm through sleeping
I open up my eyes and say
Thank you G-d for my soul
And for giving me another day.


Often, as I nurse my daughter she will play with my fingers as she looks at me. I tell her all the things I want to do with her as she grows up, like feed her solids and watch her get it all over her face, watch Cinderella with her, and dress her all pretty for school. I know it will be difficult for me to do fine motor tasks like tie her hair back, button her clothing and tie her shoes, but let's hope she doesn't turn around while I'm trying to tie her shoes and say I can do it myself! as one 2.5 year old once said to me as I tried tying his shoe numerous times. I almost died of laughter and embarrassment! So what if her clothing and hair may just be a wee bit off if I dress her? Everyone will know she's my daughter=) My daughter is already a little lady. She will literally push me away with her hand if I'm crowding her too much. She also nurses all proper with her hands

My husband on the other hand is willing to let her play in dirt when she gets older because it'll be good to build up her immune system. Oh what a dichotomy raising our little girl will be !

Every morning, the 3 of us cuddle in bed for family time. I stare at her tiny, perfect little features and I thank god for my beautiful little miracle.

I love seeing my husband and his mini me as they nap together.

I love hearing my husband talk to her as he changes her, bathes her and plays with her. It brings such joy and happiness to my heart to see his face break into a huge smile as he holds her. In the past, when he would hold and hug friends babies, my heart would sink as a happy look washed over his face and he'd look at me and mouth "I want one."








When our daughter was born, one of my most fulfilling moments was in the hospital where I caught this moment between father and daughter.

I think Doggie is the only one who isn't really happy that Naama has taken so much of our attention. He's still getting used to her and apparently so are we because we have occasionally called our daughter Doggie.

Boundries

Wide awake at 4am this morning, I pumped milk for my still sleeping baby. When she woke up around 7am, I told my husband to give her the bottle so I could sleep. As he was giving her the bottle, the nanny comes down and says "give me the baby, I can feed her." Even though my husband had his coffee cooling, he told the nanny he was fine.

The baby definitely connects with the person feeding her and vice versa, so I had explained to my husband that I didn't want the nanny bottle feeding the baby unless absolutely necessary. I wanted him to be the one singing to her and making eye contact with her. I wanted him to be the recipient of his daughter's smiles. This morning when I heard the beginning of the discussion between my husband and Mila the nanny, I flew out of bed yelling NO! I went to the dining table to see my husband holding the baby and the nanny staring daggers at me. I felt awkward for my outburst, but did not apologize. Instead I mumbled something and went back to bed.

Shortly after that, my husband brought the baby to me in bed so we could spend some time together. He placed her on my left side. I sang to her and cuddled with her, but she wouldn't look at me. When I looked at her straight on, she still didn't smile. All the while, I was slightly uncomfortable because I wasn't laying in a good position. I tried making myself more comfortable and it was quite an effort that basically landed me back in the same uncomfortable position. My body is stiff and out of shape. I also have had a really painful left rotator cuff for the last 6 months, so the way I was lying was pretty painful as well.

After a bit the baby started to get fussy so I tried feeding her. I couldn't get the nipple in her mouth.
The nanny came in and started smiling and singing to the baby just as I had done. Suddenly, Naama was all smiles. I was numb. I tried interacting with her again, no go. The nanny butted in again and Naama was happy again. Frustrated beyond belief I got out of bed and left the two of them alone. When I saw my face in the bathroom mirror, my black eyeliner had smudged, making me look like a heroin addict...maybe that's why Naama cried when I looked at her? I left the bathroom and went to find my husband. I told him how upset I was and he hugged me. Even Doggie stood up on his hind legs and hugged my leg, but it didn't really make me feel better. I could still hear Naama and the nanny being all happy together. I wanted to go in to my bedroom to get my slippers but I didn't want to see them, so I made myself tea instead.

After awhile, Mila comes into the living room holding the baby and as she's singing to Naama and rocking her to sleep in her arms, I hear Mila sing "go to sleep my darling baby." WTF?! I didn't say anything. I don't know how to handle this situation. If I start butting in when I feel she's getting too close, she may decide not to handle the baby at all and I need her for a majority of the baby care. Besides, I can't tell her not to be affectionate toward the cutest baby ever! But what to do? I feel my baby is closer to the nanny than to me...

A fine balance

For the last few weeks, I've felt very sad and was unable to figure out why. I finally realized the reason I felt an all encompassing sadness was because I feel like a failure since I have to depend on someone else to  care for my baby. I'm not used to failing and I'm not used to depending on others. My whole life I have been independent and have overcome many of the challenges that come with having Cerebral Palsy: I walk on my own, dress myself, run a home and more. I'm used to doing things on my own. Now all of a sudden after more than 20 years, I'm almost COMPLETELY dependent on someone to help care for my baby and I'm having a very hard time dealing with that change. My situation changed because of a number of factors. 1) I haven't worked out since I got pregnant, so I'm not as strong as I was, which greatly affects my strength and balance. Therefore, I will not attempt to lift or carry my 2 month old baby at least until she has better head control. 2) My inability to use both hands well affect dressing and bathing the baby in a timely manner. 3) Fear of causing my baby discomfort because my grip is too rough or if I'm too slow, stopped me from attempting any aspect of baby care except feeding and even that I need help with. The baby needs to be put in my arms, burped by someone else and then positioned to feed on my right side since I have trouble getting her into a good position on that side.

Every time I watch the nanny dress, bathe, change or burp my baby, my heart would sink, but I didn't say anything. I knew I had a lot of trouble doing these tasks and I didn't want my baby to be uncomfortable. When the baby cries and the nanny picks the baby up to cuddle and comfort her, I feel like grabbing the baby away from her. Sometimes I literally have to hold myself back. She's my baby. I want to pick her up and cuddle her so she stops crying. I want to rock her to sleep in my arms while standing which is the way the baby likes best, but because of my unsteadiness I can't pick her up or rock her while standing. It drives me up the wall to see my baby so comfortable in someone else's arms when the only way my baby will fall asleep on me is during nursing. If the baby is in a good position and good height during nursing, I can give her kisses and hold her against my breast, but I can't cuddle her or hug her the way I crave, by just picking her up when I want. One day I told my husband I wanted to hug my baby. He put her in my arms facing me so I could hug her. It was delicious!

Having to depend on someone else is actually a very humbling feeling i.e. I'd be kinda screwed without help. I'm reminded of that whenever I'm alone in the house with baby when the nanny has her time off. I will only be alone with the baby if she's sleeping and only if I'm alone with her for a short time.

When I am alone with the baby, the hardest part for me is being unable to console my baby when she wakes up and starts crying. My baby clearly wants to be picked up and I can't help her. As she looks at me and cries harder, the tears come into her eyes and I almost start crying myself. I can't even describe how horrible and helpless I feel during these moments. I have to substitute picking her up by rocking the bassinet or swing, or by sticking the stupid pacifier in her mouth which she usually spits out. One day when I was alone with the baby who was crying, my husband finally walked in the door and said "daddy's here everything's ok now." Yea and mommy feels like a sack of potatoes!

Sometimes having help feels like I'm being overruled. One day during a nursing break, I got up to get something. When I came back, the nanny was rocking the baby to sleep. I mentioned I wasn't done nursing. The nanny said the baby didn't seem to want anymore. I turned to walk out of the room but then decided that I wanted to rock my baby to sleep. I could rock her sitting down just as the nanny was doing. "I want to hold her," I said. The nanny said the baby was half asleep and she was fine. Not wanting to interrupt, I left the room. Truth is, I'm a little intimidated by the nanny. She's old enough to be my mother and she's a mom and grandmother too, so when she suggests something regarding the baby, I'm very inclined to listen. That said, should I have demanded to hold my baby?

Yes I need the help and we get along well, but I really don't like having a live in nanny. We suddenly became a family of 4 instead of the family of 3 I dreamed of. The nanny lives with us, so she's around ALL the time. She's like my shadow and I hate it. I see the nanny as my failure, so when introducing her to anyone, I feel like saying and this is my failure, her name is...

I crave the weekends, when the nanny has days off. Finally, from Friday afternoon-Monday morning it's just us 3 the way I really want it to be. However, as much as I love our family time, I realize that having full time help is necessary if I want a peaceful home. Sunday is a workday in Israel. Even though my husband works from home currently, he can't stop every so often to help me with the baby because before he knows it, the day is over, so as much as I hate having another person live with us, I have no choice.


I needed to find a solution to my dilemma and a way to make me feel better. As it happened, the baby center made me an appointment with an occupational therapist. I almost didn't go because I was constantly feeding the baby, but I fit in the appointment and I'm glad I did. The therapist mentioned the importance of touch between mother and child, saying I should try and do whatever I could with the baby and have the nanny be there just in case. She also said I should talk and sing to the baby often. I told her that when the nanny bathes the baby, I'm with her and I sing to the baby as the nanny bathes her, so the job is being done by someone else's hands but the baby hears my voice. The therapist suggested I wash the baby while the nanny hold her. I left the appointment feeling very empowered. I'm the baby's mother. I CAN take care of her.

After speaking with the nanny, we made some adjustments to our baby care routine. When the baby's diaper needs changing, I do what I can while the nanny stands beside me. She takes over when there are things I can't do like completely take off her onezie, or slide the diaper underneath her properly.During nursing, If I'm comfortable and the baby settles comfortably after being placed on me, I can burp her.

During bath time, the nanny and I work as a team. I take and pass her the towel, I put soap into the nanny's hand and I sing to my baby. Lately, my baby looks at me as I sing to her. I've even gotten a smile or two=) Occasionally, I will touch my baby during bathing. The reason I don't wash her while the nanny holds her is because the job is already being done by someone who's competent and fast and bath time can't take forever, so why screw up something that works? After her bath, I massage moisturizer into her yummy baby skin as I talk to her. Sometimes the baby's lips will tremble because she's cold so I try and work faster, but hearing the nanny state the obvious, i.e. she's cold, makes me feel like crap, so I finish as quick as I can so we can dress her.


The nanny is in her late 50s. I used to wake the nanny up late at night to help me nurse, but I don't anymore. On a recent visit, my mother forced me to nurse the baby while laying down. she insisted its the best way to nurse. Sometimes I struggle to get in a comfortable position, but once there, the baby nurses comfortably for quite awhile and afterward I have moments like this:

Not having to wake the nanny in the wee hours of the morning makes for a better relationship between us. She does light housework during the day as well as helping me with baby care and some nursing, so I don't want to overwhelm her. Nursing in bed also gives me some independence and is more convenient when I'm dead tired. And I only have to shake my husband awake when she needs to be burped, when I need to switch sides, or when he has to take the baby back to her bed;) Gone are the days of yelling like an idiot for help from the nursery when I'm done with a late night feeding! I know I will face different challenges as the baby grows, but for now, I feel the nanny and myself have reached a fine balance.

Heaven & Hell

I think the baby fell asleep!

During my 5 days in the hospital after my daughter was born, I was amazed to see how readily the staff gave formula to the babies. I did not want my baby to have that garbage when I hadn't even tried nursing yet! This wasn't just me trying to be super mom. Formula looks and smells yucky! The nursing staff sort of helped me learn how to nurse, but my milk hadn't come in yet, so they were literally helping me squeeze out some colostrum which really hurt! Also, they are incredibly understaffed with maternity ward nurses at Hadassah hospital, so I was lucky if I got a few minutes of help.



There was one amazing lactation consultant who helped me learn how to position and hold the baby properly using my nursing pillow, but of course everything worked great when I sat with the lactation consultant but as soon as I tried nursing alone, it all went down the drain!

I'm a very determined person, so I don't give up easily. I looked at formula as my enemy. I also wanted to nurse right away so that I wouldn't lose the baby to the bottle. Having that bonding time with my baby that nursing provides was very important to me. Even though I was in pain from the C section, from which I had stitches and staples to deal with, I got up in the middle of the night to get my baby and feed her so she wouldn't be given formula by the nurses. My husband stayed with me the first two nights in the hospital so he was able to help me with nursing, but once he left it got harder. Obviously my baby needed to eat, so I gave in a few times and took formula from the nursery, but thankfully my baby didn't eat very much of the stuff!


I tried nursing my daughter as best I could every 3 hours but it wasn't easy and the baby wasn't latching on all the time. I also had problems positioning my daughter because one side of my body is weaker than the other. I couldn't nurse her on the right side because I can't hold her in a comfortable position so that she latches on and strangely I just can't cradle her the way I do on my left side. It's almost like I become someone who can't use their arms when I tried holding her so she could nurse from my right side which is my stronger side. I was also afraid to switch the baby from side to side because I was afraid of dropping her or hurting her since the spasticity from the Cerebral Palsy doesn't give me the gentlest grip. When I have lifted babies before, they all cried.

The other thing that held me back with nursing successfully was the inability to lift or carry the baby from the bassinet to my lap because I lack the balance and strength required. One day I went into the nursing room intending to nurse my baby. I asked one of the nurses to hand me the baby from her bassinet. The answer I got shocked me. "We aren't qualified to help you," was what one nurse said to me. "Really?! You aren't qualified to at least HAND me my baby?!" I think she was uncomfortable with my disability, but my response got her moving=) She came over and handed me the baby from the bassinet. She even helped me position the baby before making a very quick exit.

When I would go into the nursing room, whether it was to nurse or to listen to a lecture/demonstration on baby care, I would see the other mothers lift their babies from their bassinets with ease and either nurse or bottle feed like it was the easiest thing in the world. I was very jealous and sad that I couldn't even LIFT my baby out of her bassinet. One day, the lactation consultant was giving a lecture to all the new moms while babies were in bassinets or nursing. My baby was in her bassinet. When she started to get fussy, I just rocked her hoping she would quiet down, but her fussiness soon turned into a wail and there was nothing I could do for her. I felt horrible and was on the verge of tears. I had to interrupt the lecture. "ummm I need help to take my baby out of her bassinet please." The lactation consultant stopped and put my baby in my arms before continuing with her lecture.


Knowing that I wasn't going to get the help and attention I needed from the nurses, I quickly learned how I could nurse my baby mainly on my own once she was put in my arms. I was able to cradle her and nurse properly on my left side, and just pump from my right side. I would then have my husband or the nurses feed her from the bottle. I was afraid to bottle feed her because even though she was cradled in my left arm and I could bottle feed her with my right hand, which is my stronger hand, I was afraid of her taking in too much milk and choking which happened once or twice when I bottle fed her.

Me bottle feeding Naama

At home

Once we came home, I was very nervous as to how I was going to manage nursing, but using my system, it more or less worked. Often times I pulled double duty by pumping and nursing at the same time, but here is nothing more precious and innocent than feeding your baby from your body. I love those moments that just belong to me and my baby....the way she will look into my eyes, give a smile or two (even if it is gas related)!! and the way she will sometimes wrap all 5 of her tiny little fingers around one of my fingers as she nurses contently.

Pumping is time consuming but at least I know the milk is coming from me instead of being toxic smelling formula! I call formula kaka formula=) When I wasn't able to pump, I tried to nurse Naama on my right side. The peaceful moments we just shared ended and I felt like I was in hell, which was extremely frustrating for both me and baby. She would get all upset, scrunch up her little face and start wailing. It totally killed me that I couldn't give her what she wanted. Often it made me cry too. Since I recently found out that a baby will take more from the breast than what I could expel with a pump, the nanny and I did a little tryout with nursing help and it works. The nanny will hold the baby in a football position so the baby can nurse from the right side peacefully. I'm the one who feels awkward because the nanny literally has to place my boob in the baby's mouth and hold it so the baby can feed well. I've tried to do it myself and the majority of the time it wasn't working, but lately, I see that I need less assistance nursing from the right side. On some days, I can actually hold the nipple in her mouth and she rests fine on the nursing pillow, but I still need help getting the baby to latch on so I've resigned myself to the fact that I need help to nurse at least for now. I hate having a stranger's hands on me, so I hope I can nurse completely independently one day.

I'm not a quitter and even though it's a pain to always have to have someone help me nurse the baby, I refuse to just give up and give her formula on a permanent basis, no matter how many times I have to get up at night. That said, we have given her formula on the rare occasion when I don't have more to feed her or I'm too exhausted to get up again at night, but mainly her nourishment is coming from me and it shows!! She was born weighing 2.48 kilos (5.5 lbs) and she is now over 3.4 kilos. (7 lbs) I felt such a sense of accomplishment at her last weigh in, I thought so what if I think of myself as just her boobies? its working!

For years I dreamed of nursing our baby and now when I look down and see that little face nursing contently, I couldn't be happier.

PART TWO

Because I occasionally fall and also have balance issues, I can't be alone with my baby which is the reason we have live in help. I won't lift my baby from surface to surface or carry her while walking. I won't take the chance that I may trip and fall, or just lose my grip on the baby and drop her. If I do it's goodbye Charlie. I've already fallen around her a few times. Imagine if I was holding my baby when I tripped and fell? I'd never forgive myself, so as annoying as it is having to have someone be with me and the baby at all times, I can't have it be otherwise.

My reality check came while we were still in the hospital. My father went out for a few minutes, leaving me with the baby asleep in the bassinet. My father called my cell and I went to answer it. My hand was resting on the bar of the bassinet holder. When I hung up and started to walk away, I guess I slipped. Instinctively, I let go of the bassinet holder as I flew backwards. Because I had stitches and staples in me, I couldn't even attempt to get off the floor. Thankfully, the door to the room was open. One of the nurses saw me and came to lift me up and help me into the chair. The nurse's facial expression said she was scared to leave me alone with the baby. I told her I was fine. As soon as the nurse left, I started crying hysterically. If I hadn't let go of the bassinet, I could've pulled my baby down with me! My father walked in as I was crying. "What happened?!" my father asked. I couldn't even speak I was crying so hard. After a few minutes, I was able to tell him what happened. The next day I told my father that falling while alone with the baby was a good thing in a way because it was a HUGE wake up call that I can't be alone with the baby. My father agreed.

Being unable to carry my baby makes late night feedings quite hard. When the baby cries, my husband has to get out of bed to lift her from the bassinet and take her into the nursery where I get ready to nurse her. When it's a late night feeding, my husband will carry her into the nursery, plop her down on the nursing pillow and mumble "call me when you need me", as he stumbles back to our bedroom which is literally steps from the nursery. If only calling him when I needed him were that simple! Often times, my husband sleeps so deeply that even when I yelled his name several times, he didn't come back in to get the baby. One night I was yelling for him so loudly that the nanny who was asleep upstairs heard me before my husband did and she came down to help me. How sad is that? It gets even sadder. At the start of a 3AM feeding, my husband gave me my cell phone and said I should call his phone if he doesn't answer when I yelled his name. Sure enough, after yelling for a few minutes, I call his phone even though I feel like a complete idiot for calling someone who is sleeping just a few feet away from where I'm sitting, but the baby needed to burp and she was getting fussy, so I called my husband and no answer! I tried again a few times until he finally stumbled back in to the nursery to help me. Clearly what we were doing wasn't a safe or smart option for any of us and being that the nanny usually went to bed late each night because she would be helping with the baby until my husband got back from work, I didn't want to wake her for the middle of the night feedings, so what I try and do is pump before I go to bed so when the baby gets up in the wee hours of the morning, my husband can bottle feed her and I can sleep longer=)


It's not just the act of nursing I need help with. I can't burp my baby either. I'm afraid to raise her to switch positions because I feel her little bones kind of straining under my touch when I lift her. also, the few times someone positioned her for me, she kept squirming or crying and was uncomfortable on me. It really bothers me that my own baby whom I love so much and whom I want to give everything to is uncomfortable on me. However, there has been once or twice where having the baby rest on me while I burped her worked and it's THE best feeling in the world. Her small, warm body cuddled next to me, the sound and feel of her warm breath on my cheek. I'm in heaven in those moments.


When the nanny burps the baby, I hate that those delicious moments are taken from me, but my baby's comfort comes first.

Baby care is another thing I can't do. My husband or the nanny dress, bathe and change the baby's diapers. Maybe when she gets older and bigger it will be easier to change her clothing and diapers. I do clean her butt occasionally but am afraid to do much else. I'm basically her food source and of course lots of love and kisses! Although I just realized now the reason I feel sad. I haveva feeling of failure bc I can't carry or lift her so I can't fully care for her. Failure is an unusual feeling for me because I usually overcome physical challenges.

I spent a lot of time during my pregnancy looking for adaptive equipment to help me lift and carry the baby, but I didn't really find things that would be suitable, though I am looking again at resources online. I'm the mother and I want to be caring for my baby as much as possible. Some may think I'm crazy that I want to be the one to carry her, change her and bathe when I have help to do those things. Occasionally yes it's nice to pass it off to someone else, but caring for her should mainly be my responsibility.

Birth story

first time I saw my daughter was about 6 hours after surgery

I'm a mommy! My beautiful daughter, whom we named Naama Rachel, was born Dec 18th 2011 at 3:37pm in Jerusalem's Hadassah Ein Kerem hospital. She weighed just 5.5 lbs!

Naama, a Hebrew name, means to be pleasant,delightful and sweet. We didn't know the meaning of her name when we named her. I have a cousin named Naama and I just love the sound of the name, but so far our daughter's name suits her wonderfully. She really is pleasant,delightful and sweet and not just when she's asleep!

Since I have a rare neurological condition called Dandy Walker Malformation, a C section under general anesthesia was scheduled. From the moment I knew I was going to have the C section, I was scared and not at all excited about giving birth, but when I woke up the morning of the surgery, I was calm and ready to go. My hospital bag was packed with things for myself as well as my unborn baby. My father had flown in from the U.S. a few days before. We were all very happy and excited this day was finally here.

We were told to be at the hospital at 8:30am for an 11am C section, but as anyone who has had surgery knows, operations never begin on time and when you are fasting from the night before, being hungry and anxious isn't a good combination, now add pregnancy to the mix and it's not really a happy situation.I was started on IV to curb the hunger when I got to the hospital, but it didn't really help. I was STARVING! because I hadn't eaten much the night before. Thankfully, my best friend came to the hospital to be there for me so I had some good distractions.

                          

Daddy to be kissing the belly

                                 

All the distractions were great since I kept getting pushed back because there were a few emergency C sections that had to be done. I ended up going into surgery after 3pm!
                    
                          Before being taken to the OR, I got all nervous again.

              I thought of my little baby I couldn't wait to meet and my anxiety disappeared

us w/my dad right before going into C section

My dad and Raizy

 Because the C section was being done under general anesthesia, no one was allowed in the O.R. My best friend Raizy, my father, and my husband waited outside the operating room for news. I was so grateful that my best friend was there that day. she has 4 small kids of her own and she had a long bus ride to get to the hospital. I totally would've understood if she couldn't make it, but she said she wasn't missing my baby's birth for anything. In addition to being best friends since we were 12 years old, Raizy was our matchmaker, so it was really special sharing this moment in our lives with her. Apparently Raizy was so excited that she started crocheting the baby a hat while waiting for the birth! My father passed the time saying psalms.

Since general anesthesia would affect the baby, I was awake during all the prep work in the O.R. and was put to sleep right before the incision to deliver the baby was made. I've written about how operating rooms freak me out because of all my previous surgeries, but I was totally calm during the preparations. I was very proud of myself :)  The anesthesiologist said he was going to give me morphine as well. I said I didn't want morphine because I wasn't sure how I would react to it. I also told him I was never given morphine before. He looked at me and said "with all the surgeries you've had in the past, TRUST me they gave you morphine." I realized he was probably right which shut me up real fast :) Before getting onto the operating table, I handed my camera to a woman in the O.R. who was going to take pictures as soon as the baby was born. I wanted some memory of the baby's birth if I was going to be knocked out for it!! I wish now that I had asked if  video could be taken instead of pictures, but at least I have something.

Once on the operating table, a sheet was put up so I couldn't see what was going on. My arms were laid out straight and put on arm rests at each side of me so IV lines could be inserted. I seriously looked and felt like someone being given a lethal injection! My OBGYN walked into the O.R., told me everything was going to be fine and disappeared behind the sheet. I felt the catheter being inserted which was quite painful. The last thing I remember was feeling a burning, heavy sensation overcome me as the anesthesiologist placed a mask over my face. I was a bit confused by that since I knew the anesthesia was being administered through IV and not a mask, but I had like a second to think about it before everything went dark.

The next thing I know, I hear someone tell me I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. "Where is she?" I mumbled. As I opened my eyes, I see Raizy and my father standing next to me in the recovery room. Raizy said my husband was with the baby in the nursery.

 As it sunk in through my groggy mind that I had a baby, I took a deep breath. I fully expected to smell the anesthesia I hate so much, but there was no smell! I was however totally parched. Raizy was ready with water which she gave me by letting me suck on a sponge she kept dipping in water. We talked for a bit and then my husband came in and showed me a picture of our daughter who was upstairs in the nursery.

After awhile, my father went to get a bite to eat. Raizy told me that when my OBGYN came out of the O.R. smiling saying everything went beautifully, my father who was in tears, hugged him and told him how much of a miracle this baby is. When I was born 3 months premature 30 years ago, I wasn't expected to make it through my first night. I was very touched to hear about the exchange between my father and my doctor.

Several hours later. I was moved to a room upstairs. Still lying on the bed, the nurse wheeled me into the room, placing me next to a vacant bed. "OK move over to the empty bed," said the nurse. I looked at her and almost asked her if she was on crack. I just had a baby cut out of me! I can't move and she wants me to transfer beds?! "just move on your tush," the nurse said again. I told her I couldn't. At this point my father and Raizy started getting real upset at the nurse, telling her that aside from the pain of surgery, I was disabled so I really couldn't move on my own. My father demanded the nurse find two men who could lift me to the adjacent bed. The nurse had no idea what to do with herself. Her facial expression said it all as she told my father they didn't have anyone who could help me. My father told her he didn't buy it and again demanded she find someone. The nurse was back 5 minutes later with two men;) They each took one end of the sheet I was on and lifted me to the next bed. Now that's what I'm talkin about!

Soon after, my husband walked into the room with our daughter. I was in shock that this little thing was mine. I waited so long to see her and now here she was right in front of me! 

Looks like Naama was excited to meet mommy! she gripped my finger so tightly!

 

Finally after all our hardships we were a family! Dec 18 2011 was the happiest, most fulfilling day of my life.