Saturday, March 10, 2012

Complete

I was going to start this post differently, but I have made some breakthroughs recently, so I figure they are worth starting with=)
Drum roll please.... I picked up my 12 week old daughter for the first time on March 2nd!! Naama was face down on her tummy time mat crying hysterically. The mat was on the couch. I was sitting beside her trying to calm her but nothing was working. The nanny was cleaning upstairs and I couldn't wait for her to come down. I just couldn't hear my baby cry so hard any longer. I swung the baby's legs towards me, put my hands under her arms and lifted her up on to my lap. I was surprised at how light she was! As I placed her on my lap, she quieted down and I had the biggest smile on my face. Just then, the nanny came downstairs and saw me holding the baby. The look on her face was one of total surprise and a bit of shock but she didn't say anything. Today, March 10, I picked her up again. This time, Naama was on her back. Like last time, I was sitting beside her. My husband encouraged me to pick her up. I was nervous because I was afraid the baby would throw her head back, but she didn't. I lifted my crying daughter and hugged her. It was such a yummy feeling! My husband said he was proud of me=)

The other big thing that happened is that the baby sits comfortably on me now that she's a bit bigger. This may not seem like a big thing, but it really is. Until now, I have mainly been feeding her, which was the extent of my physical connection with my daughter. I wanted more. Now that she can sit on me, I feel so much more connected to her. I sing to her as I cuddle with her and breathe in her warm, sweet baby smell. We often sit this way after nursing. In a sitting position I can hold her close and eat her up as long as she lets me. She's mine. No more holding other people's babies and feeling sad when I have to give the baby back.
The first time I held Naama in a sitting position was when the nanny placed her on me. I thought it would just be our moment, but then I saw Mila making the baby smile. Well gee, doesn't this defeat the purpose of mommy and daughter time?! Today, on Mila's day off, I cuddled and sang to the baby for more than half an hour and it was just us, no interruptions!

Recently, Naama started smiling in reaction to stimulation and people instead of just smiling because she has gas! My baby loves to be entertained and now that she's more aware and smiles back, I can do all sorts of things to make her happy. I dance, sing, and stimulate her with toys, so if she starts crying, I have more options now then just rocking the cradle or sticking a pacifier in her mouth.


My little baby has brought so much light into our lives. Yes, we are exhausted like all parents of newborns, but we are so happy to finally have our baby. A month after Naama was born we celebrated our 5th anniversary. For 3 years, we tried for the baby we so badly wanted, but G-d had other plans and I suffered 2 miscarriages.  I physically felt empty. My arms craved to hold my baby. Our lives used to be so routine, so empty and somewhat sad.

Now our home and our lives are complete. Simply having her baby toys around the house brings a smile to my face. Singing along to Toddler Tunes as I nurse her and watching her in her swing as the music plays, brings such joy to my heart and fills me with such a light, carefree feeling. Even though her swing music has become our new Top 40, I love hearing every note. That heavy emptiness I carried for 3 years is gone.

On Friday nights, I light a tiny sabbath candle for her. A candle's flame represents a soul. During our hard times, when I lit my two candles, I fervently prayed for a baby. My two candles have become 3. We have been blessed with a beautiful soul.
                                                Photo not taken on shabbos

Every morning as I nurse my daughter, I sing her the morning prayer of thanks in Hebrew and in English. (My version goes to the tune of You are my Sunshine).

Oh every morning when I'm through sleeping
I open up my eyes and say
Thank you G-d for my soul
And for giving me another day.


Often, as I nurse my daughter she will play with my fingers as she looks at me. I tell her all the things I want to do with her as she grows up, like feed her solids and watch her get it all over her face, watch Cinderella with her, and dress her all pretty for school. I know it will be difficult for me to do fine motor tasks like tie her hair back, button her clothing and tie her shoes, but let's hope she doesn't turn around while I'm trying to tie her shoes and say I can do it myself! as one 2.5 year old once said to me as I tried tying his shoe numerous times. I almost died of laughter and embarrassment! So what if her clothing and hair may just be a wee bit off if I dress her? Everyone will know she's my daughter=) My daughter is already a little lady. She will literally push me away with her hand if I'm crowding her too much. She also nurses all proper with her hands

My husband on the other hand is willing to let her play in dirt when she gets older because it'll be good to build up her immune system. Oh what a dichotomy raising our little girl will be !

Every morning, the 3 of us cuddle in bed for family time. I stare at her tiny, perfect little features and I thank god for my beautiful little miracle.

I love seeing my husband and his mini me as they nap together.








I love hearing my husband talk to her as he changes her, bathes her and plays with her. It brings such joy and happiness to my heart to see his face break into a huge smile as he holds her. In the past, when he would hold and hug friends babies, my heart would sink as a happy look washed over his face and he'd look at me and mouth "I want one."








When our daughter was born, one of my most fulfilling moments was in the hospital where I caught this moment between father and daughter.









I think Doggie is the only one who isn't really happy that Naama has taken so much of our attention. He's still getting used to her and apparently so are we because we have occasionally called our daughter Doggie.