Monday, March 5, 2012

Boundries

Wide awake at 4am this morning, I pumped milk for my still sleeping baby. When she woke up around 7am, I told my husband to give her the bottle so I could sleep. As he was giving her the bottle, the nanny comes down and says "give me the baby, I can feed her." Even though my husband had his coffee cooling, he told the nanny he was fine.

The baby definitely connects with the person feeding her and vice versa, so I had explained to my husband that I didn't want the nanny bottle feeding the baby unless absolutely necessary. I wanted him to be the one singing to her and making eye contact with her. I wanted him to be the recipient of his daughter's smiles. This morning when I heard the beginning of the discussion between my husband and Mila the nanny, I flew out of bed yelling NO! I went to the dining table to see my husband holding the baby and the nanny staring daggers at me. I felt awkward for my outburst, but did not apologize. Instead I mumbled something and went back to bed.

Shortly after that, my husband brought the baby to me in bed so we could spend some time together. He placed her on my left side. I sang to her and cuddled with her, but she wouldn't look at me. When I looked at her straight on, she still didn't smile. All the while, I was slightly uncomfortable because I wasn't laying in a good position. I tried making myself more comfortable and it was quite an effort that basically landed me back in the same uncomfortable position. My body is stiff and out of shape. I also have had a really painful left rotator cuff for the last 6 months, so the way I was lying was pretty painful as well.

After a bit the baby started to get fussy so I tried feeding her. I couldn't get the nipple in her mouth.
The nanny came in and started smiling and singing to the baby just as I had done. Suddenly, Naama was all smiles. I was numb. I tried interacting with her again, no go. The nanny butted in again and Naama was happy again. Frustrated beyond belief I got out of bed and left the two of them alone. When I saw my face in the bathroom mirror, my black eyeliner had smudged, making me look like a heroin addict...maybe that's why Naama cried when I looked at her? I left the bathroom and went to find my husband. I told him how upset I was and he hugged me. Even Doggie stood up on his hind legs and hugged my leg, but it didn't really make me feel better. I could still hear Naama and the nanny being all happy together. I wanted to go in to my bedroom to get my slippers but I didn't want to see them, so I made myself tea instead.

After awhile, Mila comes into the living room holding the baby and as she's singing to Naama and rocking her to sleep in her arms, I hear Mila sing "go to sleep my darling baby." WTF?! I didn't say anything. I don't know how to handle this situation. If I start butting in when I feel she's getting too close, she may decide not to handle the baby at all and I need her for a majority of the baby care. Besides, I can't tell her not to be affectionate toward the cutest baby ever! But what to do? I feel my baby is closer to the nanny than to me...