Sunday, April 29, 2012

Just one of those days

Today is a day where sitting down with my pint of Vanilla Almond Bark ice cream would be dangerous, but that's exactly what I feel like doing, only I'm not because I know I'd regret it later, so Im just eating some chocolate instead.

As you know, I still haven't found permanent help, but part of me doesn't want permanent help. I know there's nothing wrong with having a mother's helper, but I like being by myself. I feel like crap asking people to help me with the baby. Maybe having a mother's helper would be more bearable if I were working, but I'm not working now. I think having help is harder to swallow because it's a confession that I can't and shouldn't be on my own with my baby. In my building I have my next door neighbor who occasionally helps, though I know she's getting tired of it. I understand that. People have lives and they have already had their kids. Why would they want to deal with mine? Yesterday I met the woman who lives downstairs with her family. After discovering that she works from home, you can guess what my first question was=) She said she'd be glad to help me. I'm just tired of organizing people and times. I actually have a whiteboard with a weekly schedule. Unfortunately, It's empty for the remainder of this week. I have to call the volunteers and coordinate...UGH!! Scheduling is on a 3-4 hour shift since Naama is on about a 3 hour eating schedule, but the hardest times are the mornings. Sometimes she'll wake at 630am, so I feed her in bed, which means that the person who is scheduled to show up at 7, now I don't really need her and I hate hate hate having someone here so bright and early in the morning, especially on nights I barely slept. Sometimes I have to let them into my bedroom when my husband is trying to get ready for about awkward and frustrating.

Today, Mary Poppins was here from 7am-12pm. At 2:30, I texted my neighbor and asked if she was available to help me nurse. She came over and after feeding, we changed Naama. Ten minutes after my neighbor left, I hear Naama leaving me a present. Great! I didn't want to call my neighbor back because she was getting ready for work. I decided to deal with Naama on my own. I wheeled the stroller to her swing so I could transport her to the couch. As soon as Naama saw the stroller, she broke into a huge smile and began flapping her arms and legs in anticipation of a walk. Poor baby didn't realize I was only wheeling her about 3 steps to the couch! talk about a letdown! As I thought, Naama left me an explosive surprise which required me to change her onezie. Since I can't get the onezie over her head, I had to think outside the box. I changed her diaper hoping I put it on securely. I got her arms out of the onezie and then just shimmied the onezie down her body. I placed her in her footed pj's and buttoned her up. It took me quite awhile to change her.  I had trouble snapping the snaps closed. Naama eventually started to squirm and cry and I almost joined her, especially, as I glanced up to see Doggie on the balcony vomitting up shabbos potatoes for the 5th time today, thanks to children overfeeding him, but I finished changing Naama and finally got her back in the stroller. Naama fell asleep shortly afterward.

I sat down wiped and felt very defeated. What pushed me over the edge and the reason I began writing this post is because I saw pictures on Facebook of a friend who recently had her second child. She looked great. The baby was resting on her in a sling as she pushed her older child in a stroller. I immediately felt very jealous and sad. She can take care of her kids on her own no problem. I will never be able to carry Naama on me. I know everyone has their problems and I shouldn't compare blah blah blah, but yea I'm gonna compare. It sucks being me sometimes. The other reason I'm very jealous of her and some other friends who recently had babies, is that she had a home birth and was raving about how amazing the experience was. My other friends got to experience their baby's birth, but I was knocked out for Naama's birth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wanted to experience the pain of childbirth, even though I do think it would be nice to have gone through the birth experience at least once, but I at least wanted to be awake to see and hear my baby come into the world, but because I can't have an epidural without risking major neurological damage, I will never be awake for any other of my children's births. Maybe it's just because Naama is my first born, but for nearly 2 months after her birth, I felt I was missing a certain connection with her because I wasn't awake for her birth. I kinda feel cheated that I had a C-section under general anesthesia. When people ask how the birthing experience was and I say I had a c section, I get looks like oh poor you. sometimes the person asking will actually say Oh....which is followed by an awkward silence. This isn't just my perception.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm reminded of that whenever Naama smiles at me, but today is just one of those days...