It finally happened. It was inevitable. I don't know why I'm so shocked, but I finally fell while transferring Naama.
After daycare and a snack, I tried putting Naama in her crib for her afternoon nap like I had done so many times before, but she resisted, so I nursed her and tried again, but as tired as Naama was, she wasn't interested in going to sleep. She walked out of the room, paused and walked back in. She was very tired. I saw my chance and I grabbed it. Literally. I picked Naama up under the arms and lifted her up. She didn't resist much until her leg touched the crib. Then she lost it. She pushed off the crib with her leg which caught me off guard, throwing me off balance. I was holding Naama with both hands,so I couldn't grab anything to stop my fall. I screamed as I fell backwards with Naama still in my arms. The only thought in my head was protecting Naama from slamming her head into the closet behind me. As I was falling, I quickly repositioned Naama to my side and let her go so she fell on the carpet. When I fell, I slightly scraped my head on the handle of the closet drawer, but I was fine. I quickly sat up to check on Naama. She was sitting up and crying a frightened cry, not a cry of pain, so that was a good sign. Naama must have landed on her butt. I was happy that Naama wasn't hurt, but I was also angry at her for putting up such a fight when I went to put her to sleep, so I yelled DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! My yelling only made Naama cry harder. I felt terrible for scaring her and I felt terrible for falling with her. I felt like the worst mother in the world.
Thankfully, toddlers are very forgiving and a few minutes later, Naama was playing and laughing with me like nothing happened, but I just couldn't assuage my guilt. I could have had Mary Poppins come earlier so she could put Naama down for her afternoon nap, but I felt silly having her come early just to put Naama down and then have her just hang around for an hour or two until Naama wakes up. Since the cleaning lady comes Sunday, there isn't much housework for Mary Poppins to help with, and besides, nannies don't really do house chores. Their job is too look after the baby. I know Mary Poppins wouldn't mind helping out with whatever I needed, including just talking with me until Naama woke up, but I felt bad asking her and most times I manage to put Naama down for her nap with little fuss, so Mary Poppins usually turns up after Naama's nap.
After today, I learned my lesson. Just because I can do something on my own, that doesn't mean I shouldn't accept help. I need to accept that I have a disability and while I can do a lot by myself, I don't HAVE to do it all. Thankfully, I have the help I need, so why not use it?
As soon as Mary Poppins turned up, I blurted out what happened. She felt terrible and agreed with me that she should be here to put Naama down for her afternoon nap. I feel much better that that's settled.
Watching Naama play happily in the bath as Mary Poppins bathed her, I thought, God has blessed me with a beautiful, golden child. Why take a chance? This isn't about me and how I don't like having help around me all the time, It's about making sure Naama is safe and happy.