This may be one of the last quiet times I'll have for awhile to sit and write, so even though I have other things to do like my husband's tax return, I'm writing first.
The anesthesiologist and my OBGYN decided a scheduled C-section under general anesthesia is the safest option to avoid me having any possible neurological damage by having an epidural. Am I crazy about more surgery? No way, and that's why I'm more scared than excited by this life changing event, but I understand they are doing what's best. I also know they are covering their butts by scheduling a C section. They don't want to touch a neurological condition they know very little about.
For about a month, I have looked toward the birth of my baby with fear rather than excitement because delivery will be via surgery and after having more than ten orthopedic and eye surgeries throughout my life, I don't ever want to hear the word surgery spoken again. It's like a bad word=) A big part of my fear and hesitation is because I'm very afraid for the recovery period. Unlike the orthopedic surgeries I've had, I don't know what to expect with a C section in terms of pain or how I will deal with the recovery process. I know that I will need to walk soon after the surgery to prevent blood clots and other complications, but walking after abdominal surgery?? No thanks!
Also, I can tell that just moving positions in a bed will be very painful because every time I move position in bed now while pregnant, I feel I strain my belly. sometimes my husband literally has to move me so that I don't strain my belly, so knowing that I will be in hospital for at least 5 days after the birth without my husband for support at night.....uuuuggghhh!!
The other thing that weirds me out is the smell of anesthesia. I don't deal well with that. I have trauma from when I had a mask put over my face during orthopedic surgery when I was 8 years old. The smell was so overpowering and sort of sweet but so nasty that I struggled with the nurse as she was putting the mask on. Thankfully now the anesthesia is administered through an IV in the arm, so there's no mask, but the smell when you wake is all encompassing and just gross, so I'm sure that will bring back a lot of unpleasant memories and nausea. Now I have a new factor to add to my concerns. I know I will be intubated for surgery. Intubation is when a tube is stuck down your throat after you are asleep. It's to help you breathe during surgery. I'm afraid of choking during the procedure or of me not dealing well when I wake up since I have esophogus issues that weren't present in 2008 when I had my last surgery, so I gotta talk to the anesthesiologist and see what can be done.
So yea I'm scared, but the good thing is that I will g-d willing have my baby in the end and my OBGYN agreed to operate under my insurance, so we don't have to pay bundles of money we don't have for a private operation. I know any doctor could've operated but I feel comfortable knowing who my surgeon will be. Also it's kind of a nice finish to a process started in Dec 2008, when this same doctor removed an obstruction in my uterus that is believed to have caused my two miscarriages, and he will now be delivering my baby. kinda makes you teary doesn't it? I actually said most of this to my OBGYN when we talked about who would deliver me since he usually delivers privately. My mom was so thankful when I told her he was delivering me that she is sending him a gift. My sister who organized the gift, made me laugh when she said "If he hurts you, we want the gift back!"
Unfortunately my mom can't be here till February, but my father arrives tomorrow, so I'm excited about him coming in from the U.S. for the birth. I will be in hospital over some of the Hanukkah holiday which kinda sucks but oh well. Also today we finally secured a live in nanny for at least the first month after birth. My family insists I can't do without one, especially after a C section and they may be right, although I'm not crazy about having a stranger live in my house, but with my husband at work I need someone here. I can't be alone with a newborn. If I drop the baby, it's all over....
As nervous as I am because of the C section, I'm excited now too since our last ultrasound yesterday. I love feeling the baby's movements in my belly and I will miss that, (My husband already says he misses my belly)! but there's something extraordinary about seeing my baby in such detail on an ultrasound! it makes the whole thing more real. I can't wait to hold my baby and kiss those cheeks!! I will deal with the pain of recovery like I always have....I hope!