Thursday, October 6, 2011

Falling in love bit by bit

Finding out I was pregnant was quite a shock. Following the two miscarriages and surgery on my uterus in Dec 2008 to eliminate what now seems to have been the reason for the miscarriages, we put a hold on trying to have a baby. For one, I wasn't ready emotionally, and two months after the surgery, I found out I had unrelated stomach problems which made me really sick, so we put project baby on hold for about a year.

When I was physically and emotionally ready, we tried for 8 months to conceive, but nothing was happening. Since I had gotten pregnant fairly quickly the first two times around and now I wasn't getting pregnant, it was very hard for me to see friends who had gotten married after me who were already having their first child. Every month I'd get my period or a negative pregnancy test we were crushed. I would get depressed and think maybe I wasn't meant to have a baby. My husband tried making me feel better, and I tried to cheer up for his sake, but it wasn't easy. I'd also feel that my inability to conceive was another strike against my already broken body, but my doctor said there was nothing wrong and to continue trying.

In April 2011, my husband and I flew to Miami to be with my family for Passover. When we got back, I started to feel sick and my period was late. Because we hadn't gotten pregnant for so many months, I didn't think anything of my symptoms. I thought it was just my stomach issues coming back after sort of taking a diet hiatus for the holidays=) Also, I figured flying overseas had thrown my period off. When I was nearly two weeks late, I decided to buy a pregnancy test, but I knew it was going to be negative. At 6:30 AM, still half asleep,  I took the test. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got a positive result right away. We had waited so long for this after countless negative tests and crushed hope, so when I saw that second pink line I yelled "OH MY GOD!!!!" I probably gave my poor sleeping husband a heart attack because he came flying out of bed saying "what happened??!!" Still stunned, I said "I'm pregnant!!" and showed him the positive result. We hugged and giggled for like 5 minutes straight we were so happy.

At the time, I had just started a really low paying job. The day I found out I was pregnant, I went to work still feeling sick but now I knew the reason=) After getting off the bus, I had a small walk to get to work. During that walk, I tripped and fell. As I was falling, I did everything I could to guard my stomach and I ripped open my elbow instead. Taking that fall was a wake up call for me. I wasn't going to risk miscarrying for any job, much less one that paid $6 an hour, so I quit that day.

The first few weeks until my 7 week ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy were rife with fear. I didn't usually carry past 7 weeks. On the day of the ultrasound, right before the technician began, I took a deep breath and said "Ok, I'm ready." As soon as the tiny image came onto the screen I burst into tears. "There's your fetus," said the technician as she proceeded to show us its beating heart. I couldn't see through my tears I was crying so hard. I just kept saying thank god over and over. "You're making me cry," the technician said as she blew her nose. Then my husband started tearing up and pretty soon we were all crying! I was just so relieved and happy. A fetus. A beating heart. So far so good. Finally my body worked right! I had my baby! still in the making but baby was there and doing well.

During my 15th week ultrasound to check for risk of Down Syndrome, we saw the baby in 4D. It had all its body parts already!

 I couldn't believe that thing inside me was mine, especially since I didn't have a belly yet, so I felt kind of separated from the baby, but when the doctor said the ultrasound looked fine, I felt such a sense of triumph. My baby was perfect even if I as the mom am disabled.

I think I fell in love with my baby when I had an unscheduled ultrasound after I had taken a fall. The baby looked more like a baby and we saw it actually opening and closing it's cute little mouth. The baby was probably saying "FEED ME MOM!" I hadn't eaten much that day, so I felt a little guilty=) Seeing my baby open and close its mouth caught me hook, line and sinker. My eyes started to tear up and I promised I would take the best care of my baby as possible. Feeling my baby kick is the most amazing feeling ever! The kicks feel like little bubbles in my tummy=) I feel so much more connected to my little person.

My baby isn't the only one I'm in love with. I'm falling in love with my husband all over again. We had been through some rough times which took a toll on our marriage. We even stopped trying for a baby, but funny enough I got pregnant on that cycle=)
I think something changed in my husband the night he felt the baby kick for the first time. When my husband felt that small "pop" feeling, he laughed, hugged me, said "I love you so much." He then proceeded to talk to and kiss my belly. These days we end every night and begin every morning the same way. We spend time in bed snuggled together waiting for the baby to move.  Fetuses are usually active when mom is laying down. The kicks are getting stronger as the baby grows and my husband get such a kick out of feeling and seeing my stomach move. He kisses the belly and tells the baby how much daddy loves it. I feel such a sense of fulfillment during these moments with my husband. Finally things are working right for me, which makes me feel better about being married to a fully able bodied man because I feel normal now. Also, the fact that I'm carrying his baby makes me feel so much closer to my husband. He's more affectionate now and he has a lighter look in his eyes these days. We also laugh a lot more than we used to.

My husband is making sure I rest and eat enough and he always helps me do things around the house so I don't exert myself too much. I feel like a queen=) We can tell already that the baby takes after its daddy. When I eat meat or chicken, the baby starts dancing. Other foods, not so much=) But seeing my husband more relaxed, happier and so excited about this beautiful gift, has brought us so much closer to each other that I can't wait until he can hold our baby in his arms