Victory Steps

I DID IT!!! I walked down the stairs with Naama! 

For awhile now, I have been able to walk up stairs with Naama as she held my hand, but walking down stairs with Naama is a whole different ball of wax as far as maintaining our balance is concerned.

Today, we were running late to daycare. The daycare lady can't leave the kids to help me down the stairs with Naama, so usually I run into a parent or I'll even ask someone off the street to take Naama down the 5 brick stairs, but no one was around. Truthfully, I was kind of relieved I didn't see anyone on the street, because when I ask for help, people don't seem to understand why I can't take the stroller down the stairs until I say I'm disabled and I hate explaining. I feel like wearing an explanatory sign around my neck which says I HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY. PLEASE HELP!! 

With no help available, I had to get Naama down the stairs on my own. Without thinking too much, I took Naama's diaper bag down the stairs. Once back up the stairs, I took Naama out of her stroller. Since I planned on walking side by side down the stairs with Naama, I held on to the side fence for stability and told Naama to take my other hand. 

"No mommy." 

Naama walked across from me, held on to the side fence with one hand and waited. I was a bit nervous because now I’d have to lead her down the stairs without having the fence in reach for stability, but I realized by getting in front of Naama and leading her down, I could get her down the stairs better than I initially planned on the opposite side, where I probably would’ve ended up pulling her arm down too much had we descended the stairs side by side. I wouldn’t have realized that if Naama hadn’t decided to walk to the other side of the stairs. Smart cookie my baby.

“Wait for mommy,” I said as I crossed to her and descended a few stairs ahead of her. I held on to the fence with one hand to make sure I was stable before leading Naama down. Naama saw this as an opportunity to try and jump into my arms. She got ready to propel herself into my arms.

“NO!” 

Naama straightened up and followed my instructions.

“Take mommy’s hand and step down slowly,” I said.


Naama held on to the side fence with one hand, put her small hand in mine and took a step down. It worked! I was thrilled but didn’t let triumph overtake just yet. We still had a few more stairs to go.

“That’s it, take another step,” I encouraged.  Naama went down another step. When we reached the bottom, I just stood there, stunned. I can’t believe we just did that!! I felt like jumping up and down shouting WE DID IT WE DID IT!! but that would scare Naama and there was no one around to hear me anyway.


On my walk home, I felt so light, I could’ve flown home if I had wings. My whole world just changed with a few small steps.

Camp Mommy

This last week and a half, Naama and I have spent a lot of solo time together and it's been great!
She's still casted, but that hasn't stopped her for a minute! She's a little energizer bunny, crawling everywhere and recently toe walking with her cast. Every time I see her walk on her cast, I cringe, but she seems oblivious to the cast on her leg.

We've played with all her toys, built Lego towers and made all sorts of shapes out of play dough but I wanted her to have more outdoor time, so I've been taking her to the mini park in our apartment complex instead of taking her to the main playground. For one, there's shade in the mini park and two, I can handle putting Naama on and taking her off the toys there. Being able to spend time alone in the park with Naama is so liberating for me and makes me so happy. It's just us...and her teddy bear=) I sing her songs as she does the actions to the songs while swinging around in the carousel and the boat swing. 

 

Naama also loves the slide. The first time I put her on it, I supported her as she slid down, but the way I had my arm around her as she slid down was uncomfortable for both of us because as she slid down, my arm would catch her near her head. On our second run I realized Naama didn't need my help down the slide anymore. She's a big girl she can do it herself and she did... again and again and again. I happily lifted her back up the slide each time she looked at me with a her big blue eyes, a huge smile, and said "more"??

I feel so happy knowing that I put that smile on her face. Fun time with mommy, not fun time with mommy and someone else. I know it's silly to think this way, but that's how I feel. Being able to do these activities ALONE with Naama makes me feel whole, not disabled.

Naama and I would pass an hour in the park each day easily. Now instead of dreading walking Doggie knowing Naama wanted to play and I couldn't let her, I looked forward to our park time each day.

Yesterday, I braved the main playground with her. I haven't taken her there in a long time since she walked right out of the park a few months ago. I eventually caught her, but with cars flying down the road very often, that one incident was enough to keep me from taking her to the main playground on my own.

Since yesterday was Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath, there were no cars on the street, so I wasn't afraid to take her to the playground, plus even if she tried walking out, how far was she really gonna get with a cast on her leg?

When we got to the park there weren't that many kids there, so Naama had free reign on the slides. Shortly after we arrived, my neighbor came with her kids. As soon as Naama saw my neighbor, she wanted her to take her from slide to slide. Naama refused to let me carry her or help her crawl up the slide! Smart cookie my Naama. She knows mommy's not 100% 

Eventually Naama warmed back up to me. At first I was nervous about being able to lift her high enough to reach the slide platform while maintaining my balance, but at barely 20 LBS, Naama is so light, I really didn't have to worry about that. I was very steady on my feet. Each time I lifted her it got easier. Naama was having so much fun crawling through the tube slide and sliding down the slides, I don't even think she remembered she had a cast on even though I reminded her several times to be careful. 

Soon more kids and parents arrived and eventually the park was packed. Ordinarily, I would've taken that as my cue to leave. I didn't think I could handle playing with Naama with so many kids around. All I needed was for one of them to knock into me as I was lifting or carrying her, and I was scared a kid may step on her cast, but Naama was having so much fun I didn't have the heart to take her away.

I'll just be extra careful.

Naama was so busy going from one thing to the next I didn't really have time to think, I only had time to do!
In the midst of all the other kids, I lifted, carried and slowly walked with Naama around the playground. I put her in line for the twisty slide and lifted her up again for another round. I was on my feet for over an hour! I was exhausted and parched. I forgot to bring water with me, so I quickly undid Naama's sippy cup and drank from there before going back to play.
At one point I thought WOW!! I cant believe it! Look at me here in the park with Naama together with all these kids. I can handle this! I NEVER thought I'd be able to accomplish such a thing!

When we went back home, I happily told my husband about my accomplishment and then let him take over Naama duty while I took some me time.

Today we went to both parks again. When it was time for Naama's nap, I got a bit nervous because I didn't have anyone to help me put her in her crib for a nap and after falling with her when she resisted me once before, I have always had my husband or a neighbor around for a few minutes just to put her in her crib after I nurse her, but no one was available today. I have put Naama down successfully before, but not often, so I wasn't confident, but figured I'd deal, even if it meant holding Naama for an hour as she napped.

Naama was wiped from the park, so it didn't take her long to fall asleep. I shifted Naama so we were chest to chest and I slowly got out of the rocking chair. Naama gave a small cry and tightened her grip around my neck, which actually made it easier to lift her as I stood up. Thankful that she is so light, I slowly walked the few steps over to her crib and lay her down softly. The trick is to put her in her crib while she's at least half asleep, that way she's too tired to resist me=)

With a proud smile, I covered my sleeping baby and walked out of her room. 

Naama starts a new daycare this week. I'm happy my social butterfly will get to interact with other kids, but I'll miss our mornings in the park.

My little champion

Naama was cranky last Sunday, but wanted to go to daycare. I sent her, telling the daycare lady to let me know if anything seemed weird. A few hours later, I had just returned from a grueling physical therapy session. I was tired and really hungry. As I walked in the door, I got a call from the daycare that Naama couldn't walk at all. I could hear Naama crying hysterically in the background. I ran over to the daycare, thankful that it's right near my house. 

When I got there, Naama was sitting quietly in a bouncy chair. Naama tried walking to me, took 2 shaky steps and fell. It was heart breaking to watch. I was told Naama hadn't fallen and nothing unusual happened, so the daycare lady was confused. We examined her and couldn't find any external damage. I called the doctor's office but they were closed for a few hours. 

I wasn't sure what to do. The daycare lady suggested I take her to the local emergency clinic immediately so they could take an x-ray. Knowing we don't have a car, the daycare lady had her husband drive Naama and me to the emergency clinic. She even gave me money to cover the x-ray cost because she didn't want me to waste time going home to get my wallet. I really appreciated what she was doing for us. I could see she was very worried about Naama. I was worried too, but I wasn't freaking out because Naama was acting normally.

At the clinic, Naama was examined and x-rayed. During the x-rays, Naama held my hand tightly, crying "mommy mommy." My heart melted. I stroked her hair, told her it'd be over soon and that we would go back and look at the fishies in the waiting room when we were done. She stopped crying and with eyes full of tears, nodded. 

 Naama is obsessed with animals=)

When we were done, I kept my promise and took Naama to see her beloved fishies. She excitedly pointed to each fish. While there, the doctor came and told us Naama had fractured her tibia. (leg bone)

Oh no!

"She needs a cast," said the doctor.

"I don't understand. How did she fracture her bone?"

"It's actually very common in toddlers, because their bones are still so soft, they're like paper, so we actually call this fracture a toddler fracture, since the fracture can happen if they step too hard, step the wrong way or fall," said the doctor

What the doctor said made sense, but I couldn't remember Naama falling in the last day and I was told she didn't fall in daycare, so I was confused but for now I had to settle for "it happens."

Naama was quickly casted. The cast technician actually left me holding Naama's foot at a 90 degree angle so it would set properly!! I almost laughed. Wasn't this his job?! Thankfully he came back awhile later, and put Naama in her stroller for me. 

"She can't walk for at least 3 days till she sees the orthopedist", said the doctor.

"Are you serious??" I said.

She's an active toddler! How on earth am I or anyone going to keep her off her feet? Of course this had to happen to me, the mom with Cerebral Palsy, so taking care of Naama will be doubly difficult. Great!

Once the cast was on, Naama was pretty much back to herself, which really calmed my nerves. We will figure this out. I'll get help. We can do this.

I had to take a picture of Naama's little cast. It was so cute!

Afterwards, I treated Naama to ice cream at the mall

My husband met us at the mall and we treated Naama to whatever toys she wanted!!

       G-d has a way of making things happen at the right time.

The next day, I wheeled Naama into our parking lot and a moving van decided not to wait for me to pass before reversing, even though I asked him twice to wait and I know he saw me. Not wanting to get run over, I sped up with the stroller. I tripped and fell very hard, badly scraping both knees and elbows. Later on that day, Naama saw my scabs, touched them and said "boo boo?" Yes I said, mommy has a boo boo. Naama then pointed to her cast, said boo boo and gave her cast a kiss. So now we both have boo boos!! 

My cousin came over to help me for a few days. Naama adapted to being non weight bearing, realizing she had to crawl to get around. Sometimes she tried to bear weight and we had to stop her. It was hard watching her when she got frustrated or when she would cry in pain. I just held her, nursed her, gave her tylenol and told her it was going to get better.

When she was feeling better, we took Naama to the park which made her face light up, despite her discomfort.

On Thursday, we saw the orthopedist. I hoped to hear that the cast could come off and Naama could walk again, but no such luck! Naama has to be casted for 2 more weeks, but she can bear weight and walk if she wants. However, I don't see how Naama can even try walking without a boot to give her traction. I'm surprised the doctor didn't suggest that, but that would've been logical! Unfortunately, I didn't think to ask him that till after we left his office.

Thankfully, Naama seems to have adjusted to her situation and is in good spirits. I don't think I need to ask my cousin to come over again for the week, because the only help I need is putting Naama in her crib for a long morning nap and so far I'm getting neighbors to help with that.

I'm very proud of the way Naama is handling her situation. I love my little champion=)

Working mom

Over the last few months, I have had 2 jobs. One from home, which totally turned out to be way over my head, and the other was in an office an hour away.

During both jobs, Naama was in daycare. She loves playing with babies her own age, so I knew she was happy there. She was so happy that when I would go to kiss her goodbye, she was already playing with other kids...so much for my goodbye kiss!

With Naama happily settled, I'd buckle down and get some work done, but I always had this empty ache inside. I missed my baby. I tried putting my feelings aside and concentrating on work. For awhile I had wanted to go back to work and actually use my brain again. I thought I'd be fulfilled and happy working again, but my heart just wasn't in it. Each day when I'd pick Naama up from daycare, it was like gray clouds cleared the way to a beautiful sunny sky. I was happy, fulfilled. I realized I WANTED to be a stay at home mom...And then I got my reality check.

There are only so many activities we can do at home every day before Naama gets bored. Also, putting Naama in her crib for naps is a struggle if she decides she doesn't want to nap.As far as going outdoors with Naama, I can't slide her down the park slides the way she likes, or crawl through the tube slides with her. Now that she's more active, I can't take her to the main part of the park on my own at all because she can easily walk out of the park. I may not always be able to catch her in time if she walks out, so why chance it?

If I was a fully able- bodied, I'd get on the bus and take Naama to the mall, where she could ride the kiddie rides and watch the kiddie shows. She even loves going up and down the escalator! And she has a ball at the new gymboree whenever we take her.

Getting out with Naama on my own is impossible. The buses say they are handicap accessible,but they totally aren't! The ramps are manual, which means I'd have to ask the driver to pull them out for me so I could wheel Naama's stroller on. Yes by law the driver is supposed to pull out the ramps for me, but just knowing how rushed bus drivers are and knowing that I'd probably get a disapproving look turns me off to the whole idea of taking a bus anywhere with Naama. The most frustrating part about the public transportation in this city is that one of the bus lines was just outfitted with brand new buses. I was so excited when I saw the buses, because they had handicapped labels and buttons along the outside of the bus. I totally thought that meant they finally made buses with automatic ramps! My problem was solved! My world just got a lot brighter. I could go out alone with Naama!

WRONG!

One day I got on one of the new buses to go to a doctor's appointment. The new things I noticed were a huge talking monitor so you could see and hear upcoming stops and the stop buttons were now between opposite seats, so you didn't have to perform acrobatics just to reach the stop button anymore.I glanced at the ramp, it looked manual. I asked the driver about the ramps and he confirmed my suspicions. My heart sank and then I got a little angry. They made a beautiful new bus line with a huge talking monitor for the blind, but they didn't think about an automatic ramp!! DUH!!

So with a mother's helper, we got on the bus and took Naama to the mall for an afternoon of fun. There was a special kids concert going on that day, so the bus was packed with mothers, kids and babies. When we all got to the mall, I followed them because I didn't know where to go, and I have to admit I was very jealous and very sad seeing all these moms effortlessly take their kids around on their own. As much as I love my mother's helper, I wanted to be alone with Naama, but I can't, so I put on a smile and forged ahead, but I'd give anything to take Naama out for a day of fun on my own. Maybe when she's older I'll finally be able to, but for now I have to deal with what is.

Having all these factors stacked against me being a stay at home mom, I kept Naama in daycare and I accepted a 3 day a week job about an hour away. I enjoyed the job and being around adults, but I wasn't happy. I had that empty aching feeling again. I missed my baby.

Getting home each day in rush hour traffic took nearly 2 hours, so Mary Poppins had to pick Naama up from daycare because I never made it home on time. As soon as I walked through the front door, Naama would squeal with delight and throw her arms around me. I lived for those moments. One day, Naama made her feelings very clear that she wanted me home when she got there. Like every other day when I finally got home, Naama gave me a big, long hug, except this time she didn't even let me go to the bathroom! After convincing her I was going to come right back, Naama let me go to the bathroom. When I came out, I sat back in my chair and I felt Naama's little hands undoing my sandals!! She wanted to make sure I wasn't going anywhere else!! I got the message loud and clear. I HAD to be home when Naama got home from daycare.

My boss could see my heart wasn't in my work, so as good as my writing was, he fired me. I wasn't exactly sad. No more running for early morning buses and feeling sad I couldn't pick Naama up from daycare!

Now I am looking for work from home, which would be having the best of both worlds. As one mom put it, some mothers feel that by having time apart from their babies they can be better mothers. It's a little different in my case, but I do feel I can be a better mother with Naama in daycare part time. I think keeping that in mind will help me with missing her so much during the day. With Naama in daycare I don't have to struggle physically to entertain her and she will get the social interaction she loves. Working from home means  I wouldn't have to schlep on buses and trains to work and I can be here to make Naama fresh food and pick her up from daycare.

Being around to see Naama's beautiful smiling face at the end of her day is all that matters.

Wake up Call

It finally happened. It was inevitable. I don't know why I'm so shocked, but I finally fell while transferring Naama.

 After daycare and a snack, I tried putting Naama in her crib for her afternoon nap like I had done so many times before, but she resisted, so I nursed her and tried again, but as tired as Naama was, she wasn't interested in going to sleep. She walked out of the room, paused and walked back in. She was very tired. I saw my chance and I grabbed it. Literally. I picked Naama up under the arms and lifted her up. She didn't resist much until her leg touched the crib. Then she lost it. She pushed off the crib with her leg which caught me off guard, throwing me off balance. I was holding Naama with both hands,so I couldn't grab anything to stop my fall. I screamed as I fell backwards with Naama still in my arms. The only thought in my head was protecting Naama from slamming her head into the closet behind me. As I was falling, I quickly repositioned Naama to my side and let her go so she fell on the carpet. When I fell, I slightly scraped my head on the handle of the closet drawer, but I was fine. I quickly sat up to check on Naama. She was sitting up and crying a frightened cry, not a cry of pain, so that was a good sign. Naama must have landed on her butt. I was happy that Naama wasn't hurt, but I was also angry at her for putting up such a fight when I went to put her to sleep, so I yelled DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! My yelling only made Naama cry harder. I felt terrible for scaring her and I felt terrible for falling with her. I felt like the worst mother in the world.

Thankfully, toddlers are very forgiving and a few minutes later, Naama was playing and laughing with me like nothing happened, but I just couldn't assuage my guilt. I could have had Mary Poppins come earlier so she could put Naama down for her afternoon nap, but I felt silly having her come early just to put Naama down and then have her just hang around for an hour or two until Naama wakes up. Since the cleaning lady comes Sunday, there isn't much housework for Mary Poppins to help with, and besides, nannies don't really do house chores. Their job is too look after the baby. I know Mary Poppins wouldn't mind helping out with whatever I needed, including just talking with me until Naama woke up, but I felt bad asking her and most times I manage to put Naama down for her nap with little fuss, so Mary Poppins usually turns up after Naama's nap.

After today, I learned my lesson. Just because I can do something on my own, that doesn't mean I shouldn't accept help. I need to accept that I have a disability and while I can do a lot by myself, I don't HAVE to do it all. Thankfully, I have the help I need, so why not use it?
As soon as Mary Poppins turned up, I blurted out what happened. She felt terrible and agreed with me that she should be here to put Naama down for her afternoon nap. I feel much better that that's settled.

Watching Naama play happily in the bath as Mary Poppins bathed her, I thought, God has blessed me with a beautiful, golden child. Why take a chance? This isn't about me and how I don't like having help around me all the time, It's about making sure Naama is safe and happy.

Toddlerhood

We have arrived at toddlerhood and I LOVE it!!

 In April, at 15.5 months old, Naama took her first steps and my husband and I were both there to see it! It was a Friday afternoon. We were talking on the couch. Naama was sitting across from us in her music chair. All of a sudden, I saw Naama stand up shakily, but confidently. She had a big smile on her face. Sensing what was about to happen, I whispered excitedly to my husband "look I think shes gonna walk!" and sure enough Naama took 3 big strides to the couch where we caught her in our arms and congratulated her with hugs and kisses. I am so happy we were there for that moment instead of hearing about her first steps from daycare.

For awhile after she took her first steps, she didn't take anymore for a few weeks. Then, one night as I was putting groceries away, I turned around just as my husband exclaimed "Mommy look!" I saw Naama  walking across the kitchen floor like a pro! I was so proud! but I was a little sad too. My baby wasn't such a little baby anymore. Time was REALLY flying!!

From that moment, Naama was toddling everywhere! She was so proud of her accomplishment, she giggled whenever she walked around. There is nothing more infectious and precious than a baby's laugh.

Now with Naama on the go, we were on the search for real shoes. My father who flew in for a short visit, took Naama and me to the mall to buy baby shoes. It was so cute watching the saleslady measure her little foot. We chose a few pairs of shoes and Naama loved trying them on

 After picking a pair, my father put the shoes on Naama's feet. She was hooked! Naama took my father's hand and they walked together out of the store and headed towards the ice cream stands. THAT was a moment I had to capture=)

Heading towards ice cream!

Seriously, how precious are those pictures?!

For me, the best moment so far of toddlerhood is when Naama reaches for my hand and we walk together. Naama's little hand clutching mommy's bigger hand, pulling me to walk faster with her. Because of our obvious height difference, it's hard to keep an even pace with her, so I'm afraid I'll lose my balance when we walk together, so I always make sure to walk slightly away from her body while still holding her hand, especially since we don't walk that far before she decides to abruptly sit down. There is nothing better on this earth, than walking hand in hand with my baby girl. It's something I never thought I would do and it's something that never gets old. Each time Naama takes my hand, my heart melts.I can't believe I'm walking with MY daughter.

 We walk around the house and we walk around the park. Naama loves the park and what kid doesnt???   I have gained the confidence to slide Naama halfway down the slide and put her on the rocking horse, but I never put Naama in the bucket swing in the park since the swing isn't stable. I was always afraid I'd lose my balance if Naama wasn't super still in transferring. I always felt bad when she'd point to the swing and make noises, letting me know she wanted to go on the swing. Yesterday with my husband watching, I put Naama in the swing and took her out twice. I was amazed at how easy it was and how similar the action was to transferring her to or from her highchair. Getting her in the swing may seem like a small thing, but i felt so liberated, here was another thing I could do on my own with Naama. I was also happy for Naama because now she doesn't have to miss out on the swing when I take her to the park.

Best Friends

For the last few days, Naama was running a high fever so I kept her home from daycare. She really likes the daycare, so having her routine interrupted kinda sucked, but I thought she would be home for a day or two, but it ended up being like 5 days. Naama is teething, so in addition to the fever she's all mucusy and coughing. She refused to eat anything and only wanted to drink water or nurse. It was a bit hard on me because she only let me hold her in the nusing position even when she wasn't nursing. I took her to the doctor after a few days and he gave her antibiotics for strep, so now I can add the bumble gum tasting medicine to my home pharmacy collection! Let's see, shes now on tylenol, cough syrup, a mucus regulator that I think does nothing, and now the antibiotics! all of these medications come with their own syringe, so Naama takes the medications like a bird feeding through a dropper and she LOVES it! She also loves playing with the syringes.

After a few days of her not eating, I was desperate, and since she loved taking medication through a syringe, I had the brilliant idea of feeding her yogurt through one of the syringes. It worked like a charm for about 3 minutes! At 15 months, Naama weighs around 8 kilos (17Lbs.) so she really doesn't need to lose more weight, but I resigned myself to the fact that she wasn't going to eat and I just held her, comforted her and nursed her on demand, which of course meant very little sleep for me and my husband, but hey,welcome to parenthood!

For 3 days Naama stayed home alone with me. I didn't have help until the evening. Those 3 days were the most precious days and I will remember them for a long time. Even though Naama was still feverish, she was coming back to herself and she started eating a bit. During lunch, I played a few games with her and she fed me some of her food.  At one point Naama started spraying soup from her lips which made her laugh hysterically. I tried disciplining her about spraying soup, but her laughter was so infectious I started laughing too...to hell with discipline! playing and laughing was way more fun! After lunch we played on her floor mats. Naama accidentally hit me in the face with a toy. When I said ow, she looked up and hugged me. It was the best feeling ever! My Naama is such a girl. She loves shoes and kept putting her little feet out so I could put them on. We walked hand in hand for a few steps and then returned to her mats. She picked up her hairbrush and instead of brushing her hair she brushed mine=) I have a feeling Naama will be my best friend when she's older.

After playing awhile, Naama started getting tired. She is so light that I picked her up, held her to me and walked with her down the hall to her room. I had never carried her before for fear that having her weight on me would cause me to lose my balance and fall. When I realized that I had just walked with Naama in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder with her little baby arms wrapped around me, I almost cried. It was the most deliciously warm feeling. Whenever I had to pick her up and carry her a short distance, I usually picked her up under her arms, holding her body away from mine as I carried her from point A to point B. It was cold, detached... I was getting something done. Holding Naama against my body as I walked with her was the complete opposite. I don't remember why I decided at just that moment to carry her against me for the first time and I only became aware of what I was doing once I set her gently down in her crib for a nap. I have carried her against me a few more times since then. It's so much easier than having to make sure the stroller wheels are wiped down and maneuvering the stroller through the apartment. Carrying Naama is also much better than having her crawl on a cold floor to get to her destination. It's weird because I'm so sure footed and careful when I'm carrying Naama it amazes me. It's almost like I'm two different people. On my own I fall. Holding her NEVER....thankfully. Despite this,I know carrying Naama isn't the safest thing to do so I still use the stroller to transport her around the apartment.

Naama is becoming very attached to me now. When my help arrived in the evening, Naama kept pointing to me instead of wanting to be with the mother's helper whom she knows well. We shared such a beautiful few days together that part of me didn't want to send Naama back to daycare. I know it's good for her to be around other children, but I wasn't ready to send her back. However with Passover fast approaching, I had to run a few errands today and I couldn't take her with me so I put her in the daycare. Naama had such a confused look on her face when I dropped her off. I felt terrible for leaving her but I physically wasn't able to take her with me to run errands. I promised to make it as fast as possible.

When I got home a few hours later, I was really tired...guess all the sleepless nights were finally catching up with me. I lay down for what I told myself was a half hour nap. Two hours later I woke to Doggie barking incessantly. I looked at my watch realizing I should have picked Naama up an hour ago! I threw on my clothes and ran to open the door for the mother's helper. As I was rushing out the door, a little girl came up to me and asked in Hebrew if I had any food products to give away. I was still half asleep and my mind was having trouble understanding her, so I told her to come back. Now in more of a rush, I raced through the park with Naama's empty stroller. I got a few stares from the kids in the park and I wondered if I had forgotten to put a piece of clothing on or something, but I quickly realized they were staring at me because of  my funny walk. Continuing towards the daycare, I saw the daycare lady standing outside holding Naama. I felt so bad and apologized for being so late. As soon as she saw me, Naama broke into a huge smile and pointed at me. I pointed back. I missed my tiny friend.

Different strokes

Today, like every Tuesday morning, I dealt with Naama on my own since my husband was out the door before the birds were even awake. I usually have help when I need it but 6:30-7am is a difficult time to ask someone to show up just to help me get Naama ready for daycare. I thought I had a great arrangement with a teenager who lives in my building but that just fizzled out, so lately I've been dealing with Naama on my own on Tuesday mornings and now that Naama is crawling and standing, caring for her is a lot easier. Naama is also becoming more aware that I don't do things the way her father does and she doesn't like that at all! When I go to take her out of her crib, the second she sees me with the stroller, she starts crying harder. She even throws her head back and points to our bedroom as if to say Oh no! Not you! I want my daddy! I think it's hysterical and I have to hold back a laugh every time she has her little fit.

This morning, while I sorted out a clean diaper and clothing, Naama's crying eventually slowed. She probably realized I was the only parent she was getting today and she would just have to deal with it. Usually I put her in the stroller after lifting her from her crib and I use the stroller to transport her around the house. Today I barely used the stroller. Every other morning, my husband brings Naama to our bed where I nurse her. Today I thought about wheeling Naama to the couch and nursing her there but quickly changed my mind. I wanted to nurse her in the rocking chair which is more comfortable. Even though the rocking chair is about 6 steps from her crib, I didn't want to walk her over. I've done it before, but this morning I didn't feel confident enough, so I just set her down on the carpet hoping she would crawl to me. The second I put her on the floor she started crying. I felt horrible but went to sit in the rocking chair hoping she would follow me, she didn't, but a quick flash of boobie got her crawling toward me real fast. After she was done, she was off my lap like a fire had been lit underneath her. Having to run after her, I didn't think about needing the stroller to transport her. I just grabbed a fresh diaper and clothes and ran after her. I'm not nervous about her getting into things she shouldn't because we have childproofed all the important things.

Naama crawled to our bedroom, which was perfect. I lifted her on to our bed and quickly changed her diaper. I'm always thankful she normally saves the messy diapers for when her father is home so he can help me if she gets squirmy and difficult to change. After that, I let her crawl to the kitchen where I sorted out her breakfast. She put up quite a fight when I tried putting her in the highchair which was unusual, but because I never know when Naama will decide to be difficult in transferring, I always have a chair behind me. After a few minutes of trying to get a hysterical Naama to sit still, I took her out of the highchair. She wanted to nurse AGAIN! She must be teething...afterward, I finally sat her in the highchair and fed her breakfast.

It was getting late and Naama and I were still in our PJ's. Since I just started working again, Naama started daycare full time and she LOVES it! Dressing Naama is never 5 minutes for me, although I am getting better. I had the brilliant idea of letting the daycare lady dress Naama. Why should I have to struggle when she can change Naama much faster than me?? After letting the baby play for a bit, I picked her up and put her in the stroller. Her cry sounded like I hurt her when I lifted her. I think I have to find a new way of picking her up. I lift her under her arms and always hold her away from me since I'm afraid I won't have the balance to hold her against me. Maybe my grip is too hard... I put her sweater over PJ's and we were out the door. I felt bad that I cut our playtime short, but she was so excited when we got to the daycare, so I felt much better about rushing her out of the house.

When I picked Naama up in the afternoon, we were very happy to see each other. She gave me a huge smile and quickly crawled to me. I picked her up, kissed her yummy baby cheek and put her back down so I could wheel the stroller into the room and put her in it. As soon as I set her on the floor she erupted into tears. She thought I was leaving her! I'd love to be able to pick her up and walk out with her, but I don't want to compromise her safety when I'm in a different environment. Thankfully Naama's tears stopped as soon as I picked her up again. Our situation is far from ideal but I think Naama is learning that mommy has to do things a different way and I take longer to do most things with her.

From the daycare, we have to walk through the park to get to our apartment building. Naama loves the slides and the swing, but I don't have the balance to slide her down the slide or put her in he swing, so I don't stop in the park, but I feel bad because I know how much Naama loves the park. Her father plays with her in the park and she always has a blast with him. My husband always washes Naama's hands with soap and water after coming home from the park or daycare. Since I can't hold Naama and wash her hands at the same time, I improvise by cleaning her hands with hand sanitizer.

My husband wasn't going to be home in time to bathe Naama, so I organized help beforehand. I can bathe Naama, but I can't carry her to the bath. Since Naama crawls everywhere, I thought about being able to get Naama into the bath on my own by just having her crawl to the bathtub and I'd just lift her in, but I nixed that idea because I don't want her crawling around naked=)

My limitations may be frustrating and confusing for Naama and sometimes I feel that Naama is afraid of me and may not love me, but tonight as I got ready to nurse, Naama erased all my doubts when she gave me delicious kisses and wrapped her little arms around me hugging me tightly. Knowing that Naama loves me despite my limitations is the best feeling in the world.

Helpless

Sometimes all ive accomplished with caring for Naama seems like none of it ever happened and I'm back in a helpless position.

Today things were fine in the park until other little kids showed up. Naama was enamored by them and wanted to crawl after them. Unfortunately the youth leave broken glass on the ground so I was nervous to let Naama crawl so freely. When she started to get away from me, I tried picking her up under her arms as usual but she was resisting which made it harder on me. I couldn't contain her and at one point I pulled her back by her shirt. She cried and I immediately felt bad that I was holding her back- literally and figuratively! I followed her and struggled some more. I saw the dads watching me and I felt so embarrassed, so helpless. I felt like crying. If there had been a mom there, I'd have asked for help. I finally picked Naama up and despite protests, put her in the stroller.

I don't expect to be able to do it all, I just don't want Naama to be held back or miss out because of my limitations, but I guess I can always have someone to help with difficult tasks/activities as Naama gets older. I just don't like having a 3rd wheel, but it isn't about what I want or how I feel. It's about doing what's best for Naama now and as she grows older.

At the park

Today we went to the park as we usually do, but things went a little differently this time. I know you love to explore, so though I was a little hesitant being on my own, I took you out of the stroller and put you on the tunnel slide.

 If you fell, you'd fall on the soft clay like surface , so I wasn't worried, but I still guarded you like a hawk.

I put you back in the stroller and wheeled you over to the the little green spiral ladder and you explored from that vantage point as you hung on to the lower rungs.

When you got tired you sat on the ground and picked at the leaves, twigs and dirt. I was watching you carefully to make sure you didn't put anything in your mouth, but I didn't have to worry. At a year old you are such a big girl already! You curiously inspected your dirty hands, brushed them off and then clasped your hands together and just sat there like a little angel! I was so proud!

 Since you are so light, I picked you up and off we went to the horsey chair. I sat you on it and you played for awhile.

 I couldn't believe that I was in the park with you alone and you weren't just sitting in the stroller as usual.

When you had had enough you crawled over to my legs, grabbed on with your tiny hands and started to climb up my legs. I loved that feeling. Baby telling mommy I need you, hold me. I picked you up and put you back in your stroller. Our time in the park was short and sweet. It's a time I think I will always remember...just us playing in the park.

We went back upstairs and I nursed you. You may be a year old and you are already such a little person, but I'm not ready to give up nursing you to sleep yet. You're still my little baby

1st Birthday!

                                      Today my baby you are 1!!

  

What a roller coaster, life changing year this has been. It has certainly been the best year of my life, and definitely the most challenging year thus far. You have taught me that I am more capable than I ever thought possible.

Sometimes I still can't believe you are mine. You are picture perfect and physically I'm not. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up from a beautiful dream. Me, the slow person who always fell, who many people, including myself doubted, have you, a beautiful, healthy and very smart baby girl. I often will stop and stare at you and just shake my head in wonderment at the miracle that you are. Every time I look at your beautiful angelic face with your deep blue eyes, I fall in love all over again.

When I learned what the date of your birth would be, you, me and of course Doggie, were happily tanning in the winter sun. You moved to the center of my belly and snuggled there. I loved feeling you move. I dozed off, happily thinking we had at least a month more to go before you arrived. When your father interrupted our tanning session to tell me you would be born in two weeks, I panicked. I wasn't ready to become a mother yet! I didn't know squat about babies and the house wasn't set up! Aside from that, I was having a beautiful pregnancy and I loved having you live in my belly. I wasn't ready to evict you yet! 2 weeks wasn't enough time! Where was the pause button?! I wasn't ready!

Now that you are here, I love you more than I ever imagined I could. We have shared an incredible first year together. We've had amazing highs and pretty crappy lows. 

The cord which bound us may be gone, but you are always connected to me. When you see me fall and you give a scared cry, I'm always amazed that you realize mommy shouldn't be on the floor and that you cry because you are concerned for me. Every time we share a smile or you hug me with your little baby arms and give me yummy kisses, and even when you kiss mommy's scrapes,
I feel on top of the world and I'm always amazed that you are mine...

The beginning was a little rough on mommy. Like I said, I didn't know anything about babies! When we took you for your first vaccination and they asked me for a diaper after you were weighed, I looked at the nurse, blinked and said "ummm..." I couldn't believe I didn't bring anything to change you with! I totally thought they would provide diapers! You can bet I never forgot a diaper or wipes again! But I did forget other stuff=) Every time we went out for the day, I always forgot something, whether it was a hat, water in the scorching summer heat, or enough food on long journeys. I think the worst was not having enough food when we were out for a whole day. I kept forgetting that you're not such a baby anymore and you need REAL food. We ended up having to stop and get you schwarma and hummus! I will never forget the look on the waitresses face when I told her I was ordering schwarma, hummus and salads for my baby!
You may eat real food, but at night when it's just you and me as I nurse you to sleep, you are my baby again.


You are growing and developing so fast that we are looking for that pause button, but life doesn't have one of those.  
You love music. I love watching you move your little body up and down to a tune. When I was pregnant with you, every time I was near music, you started to dance in my belly. Maybe you will be a dancer one day...
We invested so  much in you this first year, but your first word wasn't mama or dada, it was dog! You LOVE Doggie and even though he seems annoyed or intimidated by you, he loves you too, especially when you give him your food.
 


It seems like it was only yesterday you were born and I held you for the first time. I cant believe a whole year has gone by! To celebrate, your grandfather Stephen flew in from Australia to meet you for the first time. We had a small birthday party for you at home. I baked a cake for you and your father even gave you a little bit of whiskey which you actually liked!

Happy 1st birthday my baby. Here's to many more happy, healthy years. I love you.