Seasons of change

WOW does time fly!! I can't believe this is my first post in over a month! I wouldve posted sooner, but mommy was too busy being Naama's 24/7 entertainment center! Well...that and the fact that Naama will often be hogging my computer to watch her Gigglebellies videos!! But thank God that at 6 months she is thriving in every way, but man can that baby tire me out with the things I do for her. I'll dance the hokey pokey in my bra right after she eats just to keep her happy and let me tell you, dancing the hokey pokey looks even funnier when you have Cerebral Palsy=) I'll read Naama books and make funny animal sounds, I'll headbang to music till I'm dizzy because mommy throwing her hair around gets Naama laughing hysterically. Naama also realizes she's now much closer to mommy's hair to give a nice yank! Sure I'm tired of constantly being on, but how can I stop when I get smiles like this?

Naama is sprouting like a bean stalk! In May, I put away all Naama's newborn and winter clothing. It was nostalgic and crazy to realize how fast time flew! My baby was so teeny when she was born, weighing only 5.5 lbs. Now she weighs almost 15.5 lbs!! I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy that my beautiful daughter is thriving, but sad that the teeny tiny stage is over. I looked at some of her newborn clothing and wondered how she ever fit in such teeny clothing!

Naama's growth isnt the only thing moving at a rapid pace. Naama is constantly moving her arms and legs and is a very inquisitive little person. On May 15th, Naama rolled over from her back to her stomach and once she started she didn't stop! In one day Naama rolled over 3 times!

I was very happy for my baby. She rolled over, but for me it was all over! In that instant, I realized I couldn't be alone with Naama the way I was before. When I didn't have consistent help for a week I managed to care for her all on my own, but then, Naama was happy going from the swing to the stroller. Now she loved moving around. Not wanting to inhibit my baby, I wanted her to have as much freedom as possible which meant a lot of time on the floor on her tummy or back so she could wriggle, roll and scoot backwards on her back. I can sit on the floor, but manuvering around is difficult and painful with my bad knee, so I had help for about a week until the girl who was helping me didn't turn up and left me in a jam. I decided to put Naama on her tummy time mat on the couch instead of the floor and it worked just fine!

Now I have Mary Poppins 3 mornings a week so I can get stuff done. and the other times I am on my own with Naama. Now that I'm a mother, it's almost like I possess a strength I never knew I had. When I lift or pass my baby from surface to surface, I just know I'm NOT going to drop her. Often, I will pass Naama from surface to surface while standing because it's actually easier and more stable for me to transfer her while standing instead of sitting like I used to. Sometimes when I am trying to lift Naama from her tummy time mat or get her into a burping position, I will do it by feel and not by sight. My eyes are open, but I'm not looking at her, I'm concentrating on the feeling: My hands, my fingers, my grip and her body movements. When others care for her, I watch them fairly closely because I want to see if I can do what they are doing. I realized that not only can I do what they are doing, but often I can do a better job.

With my confidence level increasing, I wanted to try and pick Naama up from her bed. I hated that each morning I couldn't just lift her up and smooch her smiling face. I had to wait for my husband to bring her to me so I could feed her. One morning I decided I was going to try and take her out of her bassinet. I waited for Mary Poppins to arrive before attempting to lift Naama. Whenever I do something with Naama for the first time, I make sure someone else is around. I'm always up for a challenge, I just go about it the safe way when it comes to my baby.

Operation remove from bassinet here we go!!

Mary Poppins was encouraging me and guiding me through the process. Here Mary poppins was telling me to turn my body toward my bed

I was a little nervous. can you tell?

I just had to sneak in a smooch!

And we landed!! safely

Nelson Mandela once said everything seems impossible until it's done. this phrase perfectly describes what I'm dealing with stage by stage as my daughter grows and develops.When push comes to shove, I realize I can do something which was once impossible.

On May 21st, Naama and I were at my grandmother's apartment. My grandmother wasn't home yet so my uncle let us in. Before leaving he asked if I needed help. Everything was fine with Naama so I said no. Of course 5 minutes after my uncle walked out the door Naama made an explosive poop! I was able to change her diaper, but her onezie needed changing as well which was something I couldn't do because I didnt know how to work with both hands and lift her head at the same time. Usually I had someone to change her into a new outfit, but I was all alone. How hard could this be? I'd seen it done countless times before. I can do this. I automatically put my good hand under her head to lift. Right away I realized it was all wrong. My left hand which is my weaker hand was already under her neck and for some reason I felt more stable lifting her head with my bad hand. I slowly lifted her neck and with my right hand I reached over and pulled the onezie over her head! I just stared at Naama in disbelief. i did it! I put on her onezie!! I just reached the point where I could now be completely independent to care for Naama! Cerebral Palsy be damned!! But my joy was short lived because Naama was crying. She was HUNGRY! Now I had to figure out how I was going to nurse her by myself.At home I had my setup so I could nurse her on my own on one side and just pump the other. Being in a different environment was a bit tricky to figure out how I was going to feed her. I quickly finished dressing her and lay beside her on the bed to nurse. Laying on my left side was a struggle to get my nipple into her mouth. Naama was becoming hysterical and I was trying not to cry myself. I had to figure this out now. I quickly went to the other side of the bed and voila! Naama latched on right away. What a relief!! We lay there together for awhile. When she was done I put her back in her stroller and wheeled her to the living room. shortly afterwards my grandmother walks in...of course!


I left Naama with my grandmother and headed to my doctor's appointment. Following a somewhat painful visit, my doctor called me a hero. I smiled. Physical pain didn't make me feel like a hero. Overcoming challenges with Naama makes me feel like a hero=)

I'm Back!!

Today I spent all day alone with Naama! The help I was supposed to have cancelled which kinda sucked because I had to reschedule Naama's 4 month vaccination.

It was actually a big help that Naama woke up around 5am, because she wasn't starving when my husband left for work around 7. Before leaving, my husband changed her and put her in the swing. Naama fell asleep shortly afterward and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours which was good and bad. Doggie needed to go out and it looked like it was going to rain which was weird since the rainy season is basically over, but of course on the day I had no help it rained! While Naama was asleep, I took advantage of the time, had breakfast and made a few phone calls. One of those phone calls was to try and see if our washing machine could be fixed, but it looks like our machine has gone to washing machine heaven. REALLY bad timing!! but is there ever a good time to lose your washing machine???

As Naama was waking up, the sun began shining (thank god). I put Naama in her stroller and took a very desperate Doggie for a walk. On our way back, I was kicking myself for not pumping milk while Naama was asleep. I knew she would be hungry when we got back. I considered going to a neighbor so I could have help nursing her, but I'm tired of bothering people. I had what to give Naama, I just prayed that she could hold off until I had enough pumped for a single feed. She usually eats a bit over (150ml) 5 oz. in a feeding. I swore to myself I would never be one of those mothers who sticks their child in front of a TV, but seriously, THANK GOD for YouTube. It really helps when I'm in a bind. Naama loves watching children's videos. She loves the colors and the movements and it's really cute when she gurggles at the screen=) When we got back, I plopped her in front of the screen, put it on auto mode and let her watch as much as she wanted while I got her second breakfast ready.

What is usually an easy feed was anything but. At first she ate and burped just fine. When she's bottle fed, her burps crack me up. She lets loose a loud, long belch. It's so cute to hear such a sound coming from such a little body. Her father says she makes him proud=) I put her back in her swing and began feeding her some more, only this time she wanted to play instead of eat, so she semi-ate and cried each time I burped her. I finally realized what she wanted because she kept batting my hand away. She wanted to hold the bottle on her own!! She may burp like her daddy, but she's got her mommy's independent streak! I gave in and let her hold the bottle for as long as she was able.

After her meal, Naama fell asleep again for over an hour. As I was making lunch, I got a call from my South African Mary Poppins. She wanted to schedule time for me. As we spoke, she said "Dahling, are you eating? You neglect yourself dahling. You must eat!" Did I mention I love this woman?? For one she's really funny and has a lot of spunk for an older woman. She's also really sweet and brings me things from time to time, like black beer and leben yogurt. She says both foods will give my milk supply a kick. As it happened, I was using the yogurt she brought me in the lunch I was making and she was happy to hear it=) Thank god I had enough milk to pump for her today:)

After Naama's second feed, I changed her diaper and prayed I wouldn't find any presents in her diaper that required me to change her onezie. I have trouble taking the onezie off and I can't put a new one back on. Thankfully, Naama didn't leave me any gifts=) I played with Naama for awhile and then decided to give her some tummy time. I'm a little nervous to give her tummy time when I'm on my own, and a lot of the time, I simply forget about it, but if this baby is going to hit the rolling over milestone soon, she won't do it sitting in her swing!! I put her in her stroller, wheeled her to the couch and lifted her on to her tummy time mat. She had a good ten minutes on her tummy. I was so proud to see her trying to turn the bottom half of her body=) She will roll over soon enough! When she started to get cranky, I went to turn her on her back. It was a bit difficult for me to get a good grip on her and I kept pulling her butt and legs more towards me, so I could get a better grip on her. Poor baby with her face down was probably thinking what the hell is mommy trying to do here?! because she started to cry. I finally flipped her on her back and we played some more.

She could've used more tummy time, but I know the whole flipping thing is hard on her and me so I didn't give her anymore tummy time. I put her back in the stroller and wheeled her 3 paces back to her swing.

Putting her in her stroller to go such a short distance is time consuming and feels absolutely ridiculous, but it works so it's all good=)

Towards the end of the day I was totally wiped, but I felt amazing physically and emotionally. Lifting Naama several times throughout the day and working with both hands simultaneously strengthened my arms and hands almost immediately. Also, doing more physical tasks has really helped alleviate the horrible pain I had for months in my rotator cuff. My doctor prescribed physical therapy for the pain. Taking care of my daughter is my physical therapy! I was so happy to finally realize I CAN take care of Naama. I realized that having a nanny hindered me. I used the help as too much of a crutch so I didn't realize what I am actually capable of. That said, I will still have help off and on. I now know I can take care of my baby on my own if I need to and that's enough for me.

I had about an hour till my husband came home from work. As I was talking to him on the phone, I hear Naama leaving me a present=) I smiled at her and said "daddy's turn!"

Just one of those days

Today is a day where sitting down with my pint of Vanilla Almond Bark ice cream would be dangerous, but that's exactly what I feel like doing, only I'm not because I know I'd regret it later, so Im just eating some chocolate instead.

As you know, I still haven't found permanent help, but part of me doesn't want permanent help. I know there's nothing wrong with having a mother's helper, but I like being by myself. I feel like crap asking people to help me with the baby. Maybe having a mother's helper would be more bearable if I were working, but I'm not working now. I think having help is harder to swallow because it's a confession that I can't and shouldn't be on my own with my baby. In my building I have my next door neighbor who occasionally helps, though I know she's getting tired of it. I understand that. People have lives and they have already had their kids. Why would they want to deal with mine? Yesterday I met the woman who lives downstairs with her family. After discovering that she works from home, you can guess what my first question was=) She said she'd be glad to help me. I'm just tired of organizing people and times. I actually have a whiteboard with a weekly schedule. Unfortunately, It's empty for the remainder of this week. I have to call the volunteers and coordinate...UGH!! Scheduling is on a 3-4 hour shift since Naama is on about a 3 hour eating schedule, but the hardest times are the mornings. Sometimes she'll wake at 630am, so I feed her in bed, which means that the person who is scheduled to show up at 7, now I don't really need her and I hate hate hate having someone here so bright and early in the morning, especially on nights I barely slept. Sometimes I have to let them into my bedroom when my husband is trying to get ready for work....talk about awkward and frustrating.

Today, Mary Poppins was here from 7am-12pm. At 2:30, I texted my neighbor and asked if she was available to help me nurse. She came over and after feeding, we changed Naama. Ten minutes after my neighbor left, I hear Naama leaving me a present. Great! I didn't want to call my neighbor back because she was getting ready for work. I decided to deal with Naama on my own. I wheeled the stroller to her swing so I could transport her to the couch. As soon as Naama saw the stroller, she broke into a huge smile and began flapping her arms and legs in anticipation of a walk. Poor baby didn't realize I was only wheeling her about 3 steps to the couch! talk about a letdown! As I thought, Naama left me an explosive surprise which required me to change her onezie. Since I can't get the onezie over her head, I had to think outside the box. I changed her diaper hoping I put it on securely. I got her arms out of the onezie and then just shimmied the onezie down her body. I placed her in her footed pj's and buttoned her up. It took me quite awhile to change her.  I had trouble snapping the snaps closed. Naama eventually started to squirm and cry and I almost joined her, especially, as I glanced up to see Doggie on the balcony vomitting up shabbos potatoes for the 5th time today, thanks to children overfeeding him, but I finished changing Naama and finally got her back in the stroller. Naama fell asleep shortly afterward.

I sat down wiped and felt very defeated. What pushed me over the edge and the reason I began writing this post is because I saw pictures on Facebook of a friend who recently had her second child. She looked great. The baby was resting on her in a sling as she pushed her older child in a stroller. I immediately felt very jealous and sad. She can take care of her kids on her own no problem. I will never be able to carry Naama on me. I know everyone has their problems and I shouldn't compare blah blah blah, but yea I'm gonna compare. It sucks being me sometimes. The other reason I'm very jealous of her and some other friends who recently had babies, is that she had a home birth and was raving about how amazing the experience was. My other friends got to experience their baby's birth, but I was knocked out for Naama's birth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wanted to experience the pain of childbirth, even though I do think it would be nice to have gone through the birth experience at least once, but I at least wanted to be awake to see and hear my baby come into the world, but because I can't have an epidural without risking major neurological damage, I will never be awake for any other of my children's births. Maybe it's just because Naama is my first born, but for nearly 2 months after her birth, I felt I was missing a certain connection with her because I wasn't awake for her birth. I kinda feel cheated that I had a C-section under general anesthesia. When people ask how the birthing experience was and I say I had a c section, I get looks like oh poor you. sometimes the person asking will actually say Oh....which is followed by an awkward silence. This isn't just my perception.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm reminded of that whenever Naama smiles at me, but today is just one of those days...

Blessing

God has blessed me with a very intuitive baby. She understands mommy has limitations. The other day, I lifted Naama from her stroller to her changing mat which I had placed on our bed. Having the mat on our bed makes me feel more stable than trying to change her when the mat is on top of her changing table. I struggled to get her diaper on properly, and I couldnt get her onezie over her head. I tried numerous times but I couldn't do it. Getting the onezie over her head is a task that requires using both hands at the same time while slightly lifting the baby's head and then pulling the onezie down over her head and down her body. I was amazed that Naama didn't cry or squirm as I kept trying to get the onezie over her head. She just lay there quietly studying my face. In the end, my husband finished dressing her.



If Naama is wearing a button up dress, I can place her in the dress and then just button her up. Unfortunately she doesn't have many button up dresses, but the one she does have is super cute on her.

Unfortunately, Naama took the dump of her life in this dress a few weeks ago and I'm still trying to get the stains out!!

Another way God has blessed me is that Naama has been sleeping through the night since she was two months old. When I tell this to other parents of newborns they're shocked. I believe Naama knows that if she gets up at night, daddy also has to get up. He has to lift her from her bassinet and burp her when I'm done feeding her. My husband would be a zombie at work if he were getting up every night with me and the baby. I'm also very blessed that Naama wakes up smiling every morning. I don't know many babies who wake up smiling!

Naama did me a huge favor a few weeks ago, when we tagged along on one of my husband's meetings. I didn't have anyone to help me and I didn't want to be alone when Naama needed to eat. Naama  doesn't really nap for long periods of time and I was nervous that I'd have to interrupt my husband's meeting so he could give me the baby to nurse her and then burp her. Shortly after we arrived at the meeting, Naama fell asleep and stayed asleep for nearly 3 hours!!! I was so thankful=0)

My baby continually amazes me with how intuitive she is. I can pick Naama up from her swing if I'm sitting across from her. One day, I picked her up just to eat her up and I realized I could burp her in this position! She's big enough now that when I hold her against me, she can stand on me so all I have to do is pat her back. I was so happy when I realized I could burp her on my own. Last week, I was on my own for 4 hours with Naama. I pumped milk and bottle fed and burped Naama. Bending forward to feed her in her swing strains my lower back after awhile, so I was amazed when I saw Naama doing this

                    

I couldn't believe that at 4 months old she can hold the bottle by herself and actually be eating from the bottle!! I lifted Naama 3 times to burp her during her feeding. My hands and arms got tired from lifting and holding her. I didn't factor fatigue into the situation but I was extra careful with her. I loved being able to hug her as I waited for a burp. She kept nuzzling into my neck and I love her intoxicating baby smell. Having the ability to pick Naama up when she's in her swing makes me so happy. If I feel like taking a bite out of her I can, or if she's crying and just wants to be held, I can comfort her. Lifting her was something I didn't do when she was younger. I was too afraid of her lack of head control.

Realizing that I could feed Naama on my own gave me the courage to see what else I could do on my own. My husband was around as a precaution, but using the chair, her stroller and the couch, I did almost everything on my own.  From her swing, I put her in the stroller which is how I transport her around. On the couch, I can change her diaper or put her on her tummy time mat.

My setup

Putting her diaper on is hit or miss. Sometimes I put it on correctly and other times not so well, but practice makes perfect.

                                                    
                                                         mmmmm the fat rolls;)...oh yea successful diaper change!

 I'm ALMOST at the point where I can be alone with Naama all day. Once my husband takes Naama out of her bassinet and dresses her, I'm fine with her but if Naama decides to do an explosive poop and I have to change her onezie I'm stuck, so that remains a problem to be solved. If I have milk pumped, I can be on my own with Naama for longer periods of time. As great as it finally feels to have my independence, I know being alone with Naama for the day is not a realistic or safe option. 

I'm not always able to have a bottle ready for a single feeding, let alone have multiple bottles ready. If I formula fed her my problem would be solved, but I don't want to give up nursing since it's the healthiest option for her. Also, I love the closeness that nursing provides, so as annoying as it is to have to have someone with me, that's just the way it has to be. I need someone to hand me the baby to nurse and help position her in the football position when she feeds on my right side. I recently met a neighbor who is about my age. She offered to help me during feeding times because she is home with her kids anyway. I took her up on her offer once. Other than feeding time, I was alone with Naama all day. It felt good but scary at the same time that I was alone with Naama for so long. I feel that when a person gets too comfortable doing something that's when the accident happens, so that's another reason why I decided I won't be alone with Naama all day. 

Unfortunately, I still haven't managed to find a permanent mother's helper, so I have people coming in shifts throughout the day. The two people I had before are still helping me. Other people have volunteered their time in shifts. I'm very grateful for all the help, especially the volunteers since that cuts down on the cost of having help, but there are just days when having people here 10 hours a day gets to me, so some days I won't schedule anyone for the lat 4 hours because I just want to be by myself. However, having such a good tempered, adorable baby who everyone loves, makes having people here bearable. I just wish people wouldn't feel free to kiss her. That drives me nuts. Who knows what bacteria they may have??!! I haven't found a nice way to say LAY OFF MY KID yet=) 

I know my Naama is just yummy, especially when she smiles.  My Naama really is a blessing in every way.

The little train that could

I'm going to start this post by tooting my own horn;) Today I felt like the little train that could. Today I felt like my old self again. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I needed to take Doggie for a walk. My husband had left for work and the girl who helps me for the day hadn't shown up yet. The baby had been fed and was sitting happily in her swing.

At nearly 4 months old, Naama is big enough that she can sit in the stroller with an insert. Before hand, we had to put her car seat in the stroller. Because of the car seat's height once in the stroller, I never even attempted to put Naama in the stroller. For the first time just last week ,I put Naama in the stroller without the car seat, so I knew I could do it this time, except this time I was completely by myself. Last time, my husband was sort of with me. I say sort of because he was asleep on the couch. Today, Naama was gurgling happily in her swing, unaware of what mommy was about to try. I placed the stroller next to her, put the brakes on the stroller and sat down in a chair across from my baby and the stroller. I lifted my baby from the swing, brought her close to me so I could kiss her yummy cheek and placed her in the stroller! I strapped her in and we took Doggie to the park.

I was so proud of my accomplishment, I felt like jumping up and down shouting I DID IT!! I was so proud of myself that I took a picture of us in the elevator on our way back=)

Being able to do this small thing with my baby makes me feel more like her mother and not just her food source. Until now, I barely walked her in the stroller because the car seat made the stroller top heavy and easily tippable. Now with no car seat, the stroller is much lighter, so I feel more secure walking her.

Last week, when I went for a walk with the baby and my husband, I wheeled the stroller through the park and down a bit of a steep path. I felt good! I mentioned to my husband I was happy that I could do more now with my baby. I hate the way I feel when I can't physically do something, especially since I'm a doer...When we got back to our building, we had to wait for the sabbath elevator. I had to use the bathroom and couldn't wait for the elevator which stops at every floor in sabbath mode. Instead I climbed 6 flights of stairs. Doggie and I reached our apartment before my husband and the baby. I was out of breath but I felt great! I love being active. During the pregnancy and after the C section, I wasn't active at all.

Even though I can do a bit more with the baby on my own, I'm still searching for a nanny. Right now, I have two people switching days while my husband is at work. He got a day job outside the house, so we don't need a live in anymore! One of the nannies is an older, South African woman. I've dubbed her Mary Poppins. She speaks all proper with her accent and is a fine woman. She also turns up for work in a white overcoat, not unlike a doctor's coat. From the moment we interviewed Mary Poppins, I felt I finally found someone who understood me. She said I needed to feel comfortable with her since I am the baby's mother and she didn't want to overstep her bounds. I could've kissed her=) If you've read my other posts, you know I've had issues with other nannies. During our interview, I had to nurse Naama. Mary Poppins said "Do you mind if I look?" The woman was soooo hired=) I told her that I appreciated that she wanted to give me my privacy, but that I needed help positioning and burping the baby during nursing, so privacy in that respect kinda goes out the window. Unfortunately, Mary Poppins wasn't available every day, so she gives me two days a week.

When the baby's diaper needs changing, I will clean her and Mary Poppins will diaper and dress her. One day Mary Poppins said "It must be so hard for you dahling to have all these nannies here." My goal for you is to be rid of us nannies and for you to achieve independence." My jaw was on the floor. I promptly shut my mouth=) She proceded to teach me a few things This woman really understood what I was going through. WOW! When I need help with the baby, Mary Poppins will ask "Do you need my hands?" Interesting that she doesn't ask do you need me? She wants me to be as involved with my baby as possible. The second time she bathed Naama, she asked if I wanted to wash Naama as she held her. I smiled and said "sure". Naama was fixated on my face as I washed the front of her body as I spoke to her. As Mary Poppins was toweling Naama off, I told her this was the first time I washed Naama. She looked at me in disbelief and said "are you joking?"

Mary Poppins has given me the courage to try and do more with the baby. Today, I changed her diaper and buttoned her pajamas back up. I put her changing mat on my bed to make changing the baby easier. Her mat usually rests on her dresser in the nursery, which makes me uneasy when trying to change her, because the mat moves and I'm always nervous I may lose my balance. Having the mat on my bed takes away the balance issue, but bending over for more than a minute really hurts my back, so this is all still a work in progress!

Unfortunately, as much as I like Mary Poppins, she will only be able to give me a few mornings a week. Working all day is too much for her, even if she takes a rest upstairs=( I wonder if Mary Poppins has a twin...

Celebration & Chocolate cake

Today I'm in a celebratory mood, so in the middle of writing this post, I decided to quickly bake myself a gluten free chocolate walnut cake=) I LOVE chocolate. In addition to being gluten free, I'm also sugar free. Yes it's a major pain in the butt when it comes to baking desserts, but I manage with substitutes. Tonight I didn't want to think about figuring out substitutes. I was gonna go all out. Sugar? In to the cake the brown sugar went! As I put the sugar back, I spotted the coffee. Chocolate and Coffee....yum! Coffee is another thing that bothers my stomach, so I haven't had coffee in over 2 years, but I'm celebrating, so what the hell=) A teaspoon of coffee went into the cake=)

What am I celebrating? My beautiful Naama is 3 months old today! According to the baby Iphone apps, my baby has graduated from newborn to infant stage. Man does time fly!!

I'm also celebrating more breakthroughs this weekend. I was by myself with Naama who as usual was on her tummy time mat on the couch. When she'd had enough of tummy time, I picked her up, sat her on my lap and sang to her. When she got fussy, I put her back on her tummy. When she started to cry, I flipped her on her back. Still crying, I realized she was hungry and wanted to eat NOW! I tried calming her because I wanted to wait for my husband to get back from walking Doggie, but Naama wasn't waiting and I felt I was in a secure position to pick her up. I strapped my nursing pillow around my waist, picked Naama up and settled her on my left side to nurse. I was surprised that it wasn't that difficult. Would I do it again while alone? Probably not. When my husband walked in and saw me nursing Naama he said "wow I'm impressed! You did that on your own?!" I just smiled=) I'm also able to pick Naama up from her swing as long as I'm sitting down and I only pick her up if I feel I have to. She has better head control now, so it's easier to pick her up from surface to surface. One huge advantage of being able to pick Naama up from her swing, is that she's facing me, so before I sit her on my lap, I get to hug her yummy little body=)

Who knows, maybe one day, I will gain enough confidence to hold Naama as I'm standing, just the way I did with a friend's baby in 2009. If I can stand with Naama, that's all it will be, just standing still, no attempts to move a step forward. I won't take that chance, but to be able to hold Naama like I did this baby...

Oh, did I forget to mention that last week, half an hour before she was supposed to turn up for work, Mila the nanny called my husband and quit without giving much of a reason. I had a mixed reaction. I was surprised she quit. When she left Friday, everything seemed fine, especially since I had smoothed over issues I had with her. My next thought was oh shit what am I gonna do now? My 3rd thought was thank god I don't have someone living in my house anymore.

Later on, I spoke to a friend whose caretaker is friends with Mila. Her caretaker said the reason Mila quit was because she wanted more money. I almost hit the roof. The woman worked 4.5 days a week and received a very nice salary which included an allowance. Yes you read correctly. She received a small allowance every week for her day off. Sound ridiculous?? It is! I haven't received an allowance since I was a child and I had to work for that allowance! Here Mila got pocket money for her day off! As crazy as that is, apparenty all philipinos get an allowance in addition to their salary. that's just the way it's done. In addition to that, Mila had the best room in the house with her own bathroom and shower. We gave her the master bedroom upstairs. We have one of the smaller rooms downstairs because I wasn't sure I could deal with the stairs in the last stages of my pregnancy and after a C section.

So now that Mila is gone, It's just me and my husband and that makes it difficult because he has to stop whatever he's doing to help me with the baby. This has changed our relationship somewhat. Before Naama was born, the word can't wasn't in my vocabulary. I think that is one of the things that attracted my husband to me. I didn't let having Cerebral Palsy stop me. Now, the word can't is part of my daily life and I know it's a difficult thing for us to get used to.

On Thursday nights my husband works outside the house, so we hired an older woman to come and be with me and the baby for a few hours. She was a nice lady and we talked about several things, but man did she smell! My apartment reeked so bad afterward. The whole time the woman was here, I felt like crying. I hate that I always have to have someone here. I just want to be by myself, but it's been like a revolving door around here lately. I think even Naama is weirded out by the different people who have helped me out. When this old woman was holding Naama, my husband remarked how strangely the baby was looking at this new woman. See? I knew it! The baby does know who's taking care of her! Plus, it's always awkward with strangers. Because I need help positioning the baby for nursing, whoever is helping me sees my breasts. I have no privacy. My breasts aren't a private part of my body anymore since they are Naama's food source. However, one good thing I learned from this old woman was that it's possible to feed Naama in the swing if I have to. Today, I did.

So now we are trying to find someone new to help out, but we don't need a live in anymore. I am in the process of dealing with the national insurance institute to increase my disability percentage now that my situation has changed and I can't take care of my baby on my own. Receiving a higher percentage, will enable me to get help at home that's paid for, as well as other disability services. Unfortunately, being unable to care for my baby isn't going to score me any points. Only if my physical situation has changed will they consider increasing my disability percentage. I am now trying to prove things are worse by doing a bunch of tests. If any problems show up, better for me=) Getting permission to do some of these tests call for a twisting of the truth just a bit. The person helping me to increase my percentage, sent me to an ENT to try and get him to give me permission for a hearing test. I realized that one of the things he wanted me to tell this ENT was that I also had a ringing noise in my ears! I almost burst out laughing when I found that out. So with a straight face, I told the ENT I thought I was losing my hearing and that I sometimes hear a high pitch sound like EEEEE!! He gave me a slip for the hearing test and after examining me he actually saw that I have acute sinusitis! Score=) Sinusitis....add it to my collection of problems...why not? What's one more ailment?? Now where's that chocolate cake I baked??

Complete

I was going to start this post differently, but I have made some breakthroughs recently, so I figure they are worth starting with=)

Drum roll please.... I picked up my 12 week old daughter for the first time on March 2nd!! Naama was face down on her tummy time mat crying hysterically. The mat was on the couch. I was sitting beside her trying to calm her but nothing was working. The nanny was cleaning upstairs and I couldn't wait for her to come down. I just couldn't hear my baby cry so hard any longer. I swung the baby's legs towards me, put my hands under her arms and lifted her up on to my lap. I was surprised at how light she was! As I placed her on my lap, she quieted down and I had the biggest smile on my face. Just then, the nanny came downstairs and saw me holding the baby. The look on her face was one of total surprise and a bit of shock but she didn't say anything. Today, March 10, I picked her up again. This time, Naama was on her back. Like last time, I was sitting beside her. My husband encouraged me to pick her up. I was nervous because I was afraid the baby would throw her head back, but she didn't. I lifted my crying daughter and hugged her. It was such a yummy feeling! My husband said he was proud of me=)

The other big thing that happened is that the baby sits comfortably on me now that she's a bit bigger. This may not seem like a big thing, but it really is. Until now, I have mainly been feeding her, which was the extent of my physical connection with my daughter. I wanted more. Now that she can sit on me, I feel so much more connected to her. I sing to her as I cuddle with her and breathe in her warm, sweet baby smell. We often sit this way after nursing. In a sitting position I can hold her close and eat her up as long as she lets me. She's mine. No more holding other people's babies and feeling sad when I have to give the baby back.
The first time I held Naama in a sitting position was when the nanny placed her on me. I thought it would just be our moment, but then I saw Mila making the baby smile. Well gee, doesn't this defeat the purpose of mommy and daughter time?! Today, on Mila's day off, I cuddled and sang to the baby for more than half an hour and it was just us, no interruptions!

Recently, Naama started smiling in reaction to stimulation and people instead of just smiling because she has gas! My baby loves to be entertained and now that she's more aware and smiles back, I can do all sorts of things to make her happy. I dance, sing, and stimulate her with toys, so if she starts crying, I have more options now then just rocking the cradle or sticking a pacifier in her mouth.

My little baby has brought so much light into our lives. Yes, we are exhausted like all parents of newborns, but we are so happy to finally have our baby. A month after Naama was born we celebrated our 5th anniversary. For 3 years, we tried for the baby we so badly wanted, but G-d had other plans and I suffered 2 miscarriages.  I physically felt empty. My arms craved to hold my baby. Our lives used to be so routine, so empty and somewhat sad.

Now our home and our lives are complete. Simply having her baby toys around the house brings a smile to my face. Singing along to Toddler Tunes as I nurse her and watching her in her swing as the music plays, brings such joy to my heart and fills me with such a light, carefree feeling. Even though her swing music has become our new Top 40, I love hearing every note. That heavy emptiness I carried for 3 years is gone.

On Friday nights, I light a tiny sabbath candle for her. A candle's flame represents a soul. During our hard times, when I lit my two candles, I fervently prayed for a baby. My two candles have become 3. We have been blessed with a beautiful soul.

                                                Photo not taken on shabbos

Every morning as I nurse my daughter, I sing her the morning prayer of thanks in Hebrew and in English. (My version goes to the tune of You are my Sunshine).

Oh every morning when I'm through sleeping
I open up my eyes and say
Thank you G-d for my soul
And for giving me another day.


Often, as I nurse my daughter she will play with my fingers as she looks at me. I tell her all the things I want to do with her as she grows up, like feed her solids and watch her get it all over her face, watch Cinderella with her, and dress her all pretty for school. I know it will be difficult for me to do fine motor tasks like tie her hair back, button her clothing and tie her shoes, but let's hope she doesn't turn around while I'm trying to tie her shoes and say I can do it myself! as one 2.5 year old once said to me as I tried tying his shoe numerous times. I almost died of laughter and embarrassment! So what if her clothing and hair may just be a wee bit off if I dress her? Everyone will know she's my daughter=) My daughter is already a little lady. She will literally push me away with her hand if I'm crowding her too much. She also nurses all proper with her hands

My husband on the other hand is willing to let her play in dirt when she gets older because it'll be good to build up her immune system. Oh what a dichotomy raising our little girl will be !

Every morning, the 3 of us cuddle in bed for family time. I stare at her tiny, perfect little features and I thank god for my beautiful little miracle.

I love seeing my husband and his mini me as they nap together.

I love hearing my husband talk to her as he changes her, bathes her and plays with her. It brings such joy and happiness to my heart to see his face break into a huge smile as he holds her. In the past, when he would hold and hug friends babies, my heart would sink as a happy look washed over his face and he'd look at me and mouth "I want one."








When our daughter was born, one of my most fulfilling moments was in the hospital where I caught this moment between father and daughter.

I think Doggie is the only one who isn't really happy that Naama has taken so much of our attention. He's still getting used to her and apparently so are we because we have occasionally called our daughter Doggie.

Boundries

Wide awake at 4am this morning, I pumped milk for my still sleeping baby. When she woke up around 7am, I told my husband to give her the bottle so I could sleep. As he was giving her the bottle, the nanny comes down and says "give me the baby, I can feed her." Even though my husband had his coffee cooling, he told the nanny he was fine.

The baby definitely connects with the person feeding her and vice versa, so I had explained to my husband that I didn't want the nanny bottle feeding the baby unless absolutely necessary. I wanted him to be the one singing to her and making eye contact with her. I wanted him to be the recipient of his daughter's smiles. This morning when I heard the beginning of the discussion between my husband and Mila the nanny, I flew out of bed yelling NO! I went to the dining table to see my husband holding the baby and the nanny staring daggers at me. I felt awkward for my outburst, but did not apologize. Instead I mumbled something and went back to bed.

Shortly after that, my husband brought the baby to me in bed so we could spend some time together. He placed her on my left side. I sang to her and cuddled with her, but she wouldn't look at me. When I looked at her straight on, she still didn't smile. All the while, I was slightly uncomfortable because I wasn't laying in a good position. I tried making myself more comfortable and it was quite an effort that basically landed me back in the same uncomfortable position. My body is stiff and out of shape. I also have had a really painful left rotator cuff for the last 6 months, so the way I was lying was pretty painful as well.

After a bit the baby started to get fussy so I tried feeding her. I couldn't get the nipple in her mouth.
The nanny came in and started smiling and singing to the baby just as I had done. Suddenly, Naama was all smiles. I was numb. I tried interacting with her again, no go. The nanny butted in again and Naama was happy again. Frustrated beyond belief I got out of bed and left the two of them alone. When I saw my face in the bathroom mirror, my black eyeliner had smudged, making me look like a heroin addict...maybe that's why Naama cried when I looked at her? I left the bathroom and went to find my husband. I told him how upset I was and he hugged me. Even Doggie stood up on his hind legs and hugged my leg, but it didn't really make me feel better. I could still hear Naama and the nanny being all happy together. I wanted to go in to my bedroom to get my slippers but I didn't want to see them, so I made myself tea instead.

After awhile, Mila comes into the living room holding the baby and as she's singing to Naama and rocking her to sleep in her arms, I hear Mila sing "go to sleep my darling baby." WTF?! I didn't say anything. I don't know how to handle this situation. If I start butting in when I feel she's getting too close, she may decide not to handle the baby at all and I need her for a majority of the baby care. Besides, I can't tell her not to be affectionate toward the cutest baby ever! But what to do? I feel my baby is closer to the nanny than to me...

A fine balance

For the last few weeks, I've felt very sad and was unable to figure out why. I finally realized the reason I felt an all encompassing sadness was because I feel like a failure since I have to depend on someone else to  care for my baby. I'm not used to failing and I'm not used to depending on others. My whole life I have been independent and have overcome many of the challenges that come with having Cerebral Palsy: I walk on my own, dress myself, run a home and more. I'm used to doing things on my own. Now all of a sudden after more than 20 years, I'm almost COMPLETELY dependent on someone to help care for my baby and I'm having a very hard time dealing with that change. My situation changed because of a number of factors. 1) I haven't worked out since I got pregnant, so I'm not as strong as I was, which greatly affects my strength and balance. Therefore, I will not attempt to lift or carry my 2 month old baby at least until she has better head control. 2) My inability to use both hands well affect dressing and bathing the baby in a timely manner. 3) Fear of causing my baby discomfort because my grip is too rough or if I'm too slow, stopped me from attempting any aspect of baby care except feeding and even that I need help with. The baby needs to be put in my arms, burped by someone else and then positioned to feed on my right side since I have trouble getting her into a good position on that side.

Every time I watch the nanny dress, bathe, change or burp my baby, my heart would sink, but I didn't say anything. I knew I had a lot of trouble doing these tasks and I didn't want my baby to be uncomfortable. When the baby cries and the nanny picks the baby up to cuddle and comfort her, I feel like grabbing the baby away from her. Sometimes I literally have to hold myself back. She's my baby. I want to pick her up and cuddle her so she stops crying. I want to rock her to sleep in my arms while standing which is the way the baby likes best, but because of my unsteadiness I can't pick her up or rock her while standing. It drives me up the wall to see my baby so comfortable in someone else's arms when the only way my baby will fall asleep on me is during nursing. If the baby is in a good position and good height during nursing, I can give her kisses and hold her against my breast, but I can't cuddle her or hug her the way I crave, by just picking her up when I want. One day I told my husband I wanted to hug my baby. He put her in my arms facing me so I could hug her. It was delicious!

Having to depend on someone else is actually a very humbling feeling i.e. I'd be kinda screwed without help. I'm reminded of that whenever I'm alone in the house with baby when the nanny has her time off. I will only be alone with the baby if she's sleeping and only if I'm alone with her for a short time.

When I am alone with the baby, the hardest part for me is being unable to console my baby when she wakes up and starts crying. My baby clearly wants to be picked up and I can't help her. As she looks at me and cries harder, the tears come into her eyes and I almost start crying myself. I can't even describe how horrible and helpless I feel during these moments. I have to substitute picking her up by rocking the bassinet or swing, or by sticking the stupid pacifier in her mouth which she usually spits out. One day when I was alone with the baby who was crying, my husband finally walked in the door and said "daddy's here everything's ok now." Yea and mommy feels like a sack of potatoes!

Sometimes having help feels like I'm being overruled. One day during a nursing break, I got up to get something. When I came back, the nanny was rocking the baby to sleep. I mentioned I wasn't done nursing. The nanny said the baby didn't seem to want anymore. I turned to walk out of the room but then decided that I wanted to rock my baby to sleep. I could rock her sitting down just as the nanny was doing. "I want to hold her," I said. The nanny said the baby was half asleep and she was fine. Not wanting to interrupt, I left the room. Truth is, I'm a little intimidated by the nanny. She's old enough to be my mother and she's a mom and grandmother too, so when she suggests something regarding the baby, I'm very inclined to listen. That said, should I have demanded to hold my baby?

Yes I need the help and we get along well, but I really don't like having a live in nanny. We suddenly became a family of 4 instead of the family of 3 I dreamed of. The nanny lives with us, so she's around ALL the time. She's like my shadow and I hate it. I see the nanny as my failure, so when introducing her to anyone, I feel like saying and this is my failure, her name is...

I crave the weekends, when the nanny has days off. Finally, from Friday afternoon-Monday morning it's just us 3 the way I really want it to be. However, as much as I love our family time, I realize that having full time help is necessary if I want a peaceful home. Sunday is a workday in Israel. Even though my husband works from home currently, he can't stop every so often to help me with the baby because before he knows it, the day is over, so as much as I hate having another person live with us, I have no choice.


I needed to find a solution to my dilemma and a way to make me feel better. As it happened, the baby center made me an appointment with an occupational therapist. I almost didn't go because I was constantly feeding the baby, but I fit in the appointment and I'm glad I did. The therapist mentioned the importance of touch between mother and child, saying I should try and do whatever I could with the baby and have the nanny be there just in case. She also said I should talk and sing to the baby often. I told her that when the nanny bathes the baby, I'm with her and I sing to the baby as the nanny bathes her, so the job is being done by someone else's hands but the baby hears my voice. The therapist suggested I wash the baby while the nanny hold her. I left the appointment feeling very empowered. I'm the baby's mother. I CAN take care of her.

After speaking with the nanny, we made some adjustments to our baby care routine. When the baby's diaper needs changing, I do what I can while the nanny stands beside me. She takes over when there are things I can't do like completely take off her onezie, or slide the diaper underneath her properly.During nursing, If I'm comfortable and the baby settles comfortably after being placed on me, I can burp her.

During bath time, the nanny and I work as a team. I take and pass her the towel, I put soap into the nanny's hand and I sing to my baby. Lately, my baby looks at me as I sing to her. I've even gotten a smile or two=) Occasionally, I will touch my baby during bathing. The reason I don't wash her while the nanny holds her is because the job is already being done by someone who's competent and fast and bath time can't take forever, so why screw up something that works? After her bath, I massage moisturizer into her yummy baby skin as I talk to her. Sometimes the baby's lips will tremble because she's cold so I try and work faster, but hearing the nanny state the obvious, i.e. she's cold, makes me feel like crap, so I finish as quick as I can so we can dress her.


The nanny is in her late 50s. I used to wake the nanny up late at night to help me nurse, but I don't anymore. On a recent visit, my mother forced me to nurse the baby while laying down. she insisted its the best way to nurse. Sometimes I struggle to get in a comfortable position, but once there, the baby nurses comfortably for quite awhile and afterward I have moments like this:

Not having to wake the nanny in the wee hours of the morning makes for a better relationship between us. She does light housework during the day as well as helping me with baby care and some nursing, so I don't want to overwhelm her. Nursing in bed also gives me some independence and is more convenient when I'm dead tired. And I only have to shake my husband awake when she needs to be burped, when I need to switch sides, or when he has to take the baby back to her bed;) Gone are the days of yelling like an idiot for help from the nursery when I'm done with a late night feeding! I know I will face different challenges as the baby grows, but for now, I feel the nanny and myself have reached a fine balance.