Motherhood

I LOVE motherhood! I was born to be a mother.

 For about 2 weeks earlier this month, Naama was waking up at 4am because her teeth were coming through!

 Sure I was half asleep, but my main concern was comforting my baby. My husband took Naama out of her bassinet and handed her to me. Naama and I snuggled together and I nursed her back to sleep. In the mornings, as my husband inhaled his coffee, I mentioned that even at 4am, Naama's cries are like music to my ears. "You're not normal," said my husband. "Does her poop still smell like flowers to you?"he asked. My husband can't change a poopy diaper without gagging, so I change them. I used to say her poopy smelled like flowers...Ok maybe Im exaggerating a bit, because now that she's eating solids, it definitely don't smell so hot, but I'm just happy that her plumbing's working right!


Earlier this week, we moved Naama into her own room where she sleeps in her regular crib. My husband said that at 8 months old it's time she slept in her own room. I beg to differ, but she WOULD fit in her crib better than the bassinet, so we put her to bed in her own room, which is literally 4 paces  from our bedroom. My husband was asleep the second his head hit the pillow, but I kept tossing and turning. I couldn't sleep. I missed my baby. I love this moosh face! Naama is so yummy that we have combined her name and the word yummy, so we often call her Nummy=)

 With Naama spending her first night in her own room, I felt like she didn't need her mommy anymore. I got all teary just looking at Naama's empty bassinet. She could handle it. She may have been ok, but mommy wasn't! Forget baby separation anxiety! Mommy's having the separation anxiety! Even though I felt ridiculous for doing so, I grabbed a blanket and pillow and lay on the floor next to Naama's crib. I was asleep in seconds=)

I think the best part about being a mom is when I walk into a room and Naama gives me a huge smile and flaps her arms and legs with excitement, or when she cries when I leave the room, or when she looks for me when she's frightened. I feel so happy and also amazed. To her I'm perfect even though I have Cerebral Palsy.

Yeah I can now do the majority of baby care on my own, but there are a few kinks I doubt I will ever be able to iron out.

One night while my husband was walking Doggie, Naama woke crying but she was still half asleep.  I wanted to take her out of her bassinet and just cuddle and comfort her, but she was still kinda sleepy and unlike my husband, I don't do anything gently. While I was hemming and hawwing over how to take her gently out of her bed, she cried harder. Naama often pushes herself to the head of her bed, which makes it hard for me to grab her at a good angle, but without thinking too much, I pulled her toward me by her legs/tush so I could get a good grip on her and lifted her out of her bassinet. I tried to put her gently on my bed , but I ended up more like plopping her on the bed and she cried harder. Talk about a rude awakening! After positioning her, I lay beside her and nursed her back to sleep, but I felt so bad that I was kinda rough on her.... Sometimes when I'm trying to lay Naama next to me so I could nurse her in bed, she decides it's easier for her to just come at my breast head on! That does kinda make it easier on me and it's hysterical to see. I love my intuitive baby=) When I was younger, I always joked with my friends that I should be a product tester. I tore and broke more notebooks and binders than I can count! If a product can withstand my falls, drops and toughness it gets a green light!

When I'm alone, I nurse Naama on the couch so I can transfer her to her stroller if she's awake when she's done. Since I can't gently transfer a sleeping Naama from my breast to her stroller or bed, I have to stay on the couch with her in the nursing position until she wakes up which could be close to an hour. It's not easy having body parts fall asleep on you=) Occasionally, I can move her from a nursing position to a sitting position while she's still out which helps my numb arm, but I'm still stuck on the couch for who knows how long=) However, having her delicious, warm little body on me makes up for all the other things around the house which aren't going to get done...again!

And we have reached the next developmental stage! Crawling! We totally thought we'd have a bit more time before Naama started crawling in her 7th month, but one day she was just on the move and she never looked back!

It's hard for me that she's crawling, but I'm doing the best I can. Thankfully Naama is just doing the army crawl now and is mainly crawling in one area which makes it a little easier.

Last week, my husband started a new job. He left the house at 6:30AM. Naama was already feeding and I was happy about that. If I needed help, my husband was still around. I can deal with the baby care, it just takes me longer because I have to put her in the stroller first to get around the house, or I have to rearrange things before doing something like changing a diaper and we all know that patience is one thing babies DON'T have, so it was easier having my husband help me since Mary Poppins wasn't coming until 10am.

Now that Naama was crawling, I was very apprehensive to be alone with her. I wasn't planning on taking her out of her stroller until Mary Poppins arrived. Naama hates being confined, so I knew she was going to want to be on the floor and I wanted her to have her freedom.

I can put her on the floor and pick her up if she is within my reach from where I'm sitting on the couch but I had yet to pick her up from the floor while standing. When she starts crawling just out of my reach, I will grab her by her clothing and slide her back to me. I feel kinda cruel for doing that because she's trying to get to a certain point and here I come pulling her ALL the way back. When she's on her mat, I'm careful not to walk near her without holding onto something because I'm afraid I'll fall and hurt my princess. One day I was on the baby's opposite side. I went to get something and I tripped over the blanket that cushions the mat. I decided to play with her while I was on the floor. Why not? I'm already there=)

 But usually, I get on the floor and play with her. I love every minute!

Aren't those teeth just the cutest???

One day, Naama crawled across the room from me and was going near the computer cable. My only choice was to pick her up while I was standing. Once again when push came to shove, I knew I could do what I need to do. I braced myself and without really thinking about it, I picked her up and walked her back to her mat on the other side of the room! When I pick her up, I hold her away from my body so her weight doesn't throw me off balance. I sense that she knows she has to be extra good around me, because when I pick her up she doesn't squirm around at all. She stays perfectly still. Sometimes I will hold her to my body, bracing her against me with my arm. I'm definitely holding her too tight because she makes grunting noises like I'm cutting off her air supply. I haven't yet figured out how I can hold her to me a little gentler. I just have a tough grasp....probably because of the Cerebral Palsy.

The night I slept on the floor next to her crib, Naama woke at 5am wanting to eat. Instead of waking my husband to take her out of her crib and carry her to our bed or the rocking chair in her nursery, I lifted her out of the crib (which I had done before under supervision ) and holding her against my chest, I walked over to the rocking chair, sat down and nursed her! During our short walk, Naama let out a few grunts as if to say Mommy you're choking me!! I felt bad, but there's nothing I can do about how I hold her against me. I was concerned that squeezing her little body so tight could cause internal bleeding or something, so at her last doctor's visit, I voiced my concern and he said it's not a problem. PHEW!

I'm happy that I can pick Naama up and walk a short distance with her if I have to, but what happens if I trip and fall on her? I've fallen on a cat before, so falling on a baby can happen, but I realize that the more I do the same tasks with her, my body is better able to deal with what I need to do in the moment, like lift her and walk short distances with her, but at the end of the day my back is shot and all my muscles are in knots, but even though caring for Naama is the reason behind my physical pain, I wouldn't have it any other way=)

High time

Meet my latest challenge.

It's a great little highchair and it's adjustable. It even has a cute little tag on it that says

Good baby as opposed to what?? Bad baby?? :)

Jokes aside, I'm just concerned I won't be able to put Naama in the highchair. I don't think I can lift her from her stroller while standing and place her in the highchair. I'm afraid I may lose my balance with the height differences even though the highchair is adjustable....maybe if I transfer her while sitting? I won't know until I try, but that's tomorrow's challenge....


Now that Naama has been eating solids at least once a day for over a month already, it was time to get her a highchair. Until now, we were feeding her in her stroller or with someone else holding her. Feeding her in the stroller was doing a number on my back. I also think it may be the reason she got more food on her than in her.

Little miss independent wants to feed herself!!

Now she eats all proper in her chair.

My little baby is growing up too fast for me! I knew she'd have to start eating solids soon, but I wanted to nurse her for as long as I could so I kept pushing off buying the rice cereal=) Nursing time belongs to just the two of us. I call her my little monkey because she will literally wrap her fingers, hands and legs around me as I'm nursing.

When we were in the supermarket, my husband picked up the rice cereal. As I started to read the instructions I realized I was supposed to substitute a nursing session so that she could have rice cereal mixed with my milk. I thought she was just supposed to have a teaspoon or two, not substitute a feed! I'm not a person who cries easily, but I found myself tearing up as I said "No. I'm not doing this" and I put the rice cereal back on the shelf. My husband said he understood, but apparently when I wasn't looking he tossed the rice cereal back into our shopping cart.

I eventually came to my senses and realized that I could really benefit from Naama eating rice cereal at least once a day. On the days I'm on my own with Naama, I nurse her from my left side and just pump from my right side. Now instead of just having milk, Naama could eat rice cereal after nursing and be fuller longer, which meant that I wouldn't have to nurse her so often. I love nursing her, it just isn't always so easy on my own

Seasons of change

WOW does time fly!! I can't believe this is my first post in over a month! I wouldve posted sooner, but mommy was too busy being Naama's 24/7 entertainment center! Well...that and the fact that Naama will often be hogging my computer to watch her Gigglebellies videos!! But thank God that at 6 months she is thriving in every way, but man can that baby tire me out with the things I do for her. I'll dance the hokey pokey in my bra right after she eats just to keep her happy and let me tell you, dancing the hokey pokey looks even funnier when you have Cerebral Palsy=) I'll read Naama books and make funny animal sounds, I'll headbang to music till I'm dizzy because mommy throwing her hair around gets Naama laughing hysterically. Naama also realizes she's now much closer to mommy's hair to give a nice yank! Sure I'm tired of constantly being on, but how can I stop when I get smiles like this?

Naama is sprouting like a bean stalk! In May, I put away all Naama's newborn and winter clothing. It was nostalgic and crazy to realize how fast time flew! My baby was so teeny when she was born, weighing only 5.5 lbs. Now she weighs almost 15.5 lbs!! I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy that my beautiful daughter is thriving, but sad that the teeny tiny stage is over. I looked at some of her newborn clothing and wondered how she ever fit in such teeny clothing!

Naama's growth isnt the only thing moving at a rapid pace. Naama is constantly moving her arms and legs and is a very inquisitive little person. On May 15th, Naama rolled over from her back to her stomach and once she started she didn't stop! In one day Naama rolled over 3 times!

I was very happy for my baby. She rolled over, but for me it was all over! In that instant, I realized I couldn't be alone with Naama the way I was before. When I didn't have consistent help for a week I managed to care for her all on my own, but then, Naama was happy going from the swing to the stroller. Now she loved moving around. Not wanting to inhibit my baby, I wanted her to have as much freedom as possible which meant a lot of time on the floor on her tummy or back so she could wriggle, roll and scoot backwards on her back. I can sit on the floor, but manuvering around is difficult and painful with my bad knee, so I had help for about a week until the girl who was helping me didn't turn up and left me in a jam. I decided to put Naama on her tummy time mat on the couch instead of the floor and it worked just fine!

Now I have Mary Poppins 3 mornings a week so I can get stuff done. and the other times I am on my own with Naama. Now that I'm a mother, it's almost like I possess a strength I never knew I had. When I lift or pass my baby from surface to surface, I just know I'm NOT going to drop her. Often, I will pass Naama from surface to surface while standing because it's actually easier and more stable for me to transfer her while standing instead of sitting like I used to. Sometimes when I am trying to lift Naama from her tummy time mat or get her into a burping position, I will do it by feel and not by sight. My eyes are open, but I'm not looking at her, I'm concentrating on the feeling: My hands, my fingers, my grip and her body movements. When others care for her, I watch them fairly closely because I want to see if I can do what they are doing. I realized that not only can I do what they are doing, but often I can do a better job.

With my confidence level increasing, I wanted to try and pick Naama up from her bed. I hated that each morning I couldn't just lift her up and smooch her smiling face. I had to wait for my husband to bring her to me so I could feed her. One morning I decided I was going to try and take her out of her bassinet. I waited for Mary Poppins to arrive before attempting to lift Naama. Whenever I do something with Naama for the first time, I make sure someone else is around. I'm always up for a challenge, I just go about it the safe way when it comes to my baby.

Operation remove from bassinet here we go!!

Mary Poppins was encouraging me and guiding me through the process. Here Mary poppins was telling me to turn my body toward my bed

I was a little nervous. can you tell?

I just had to sneak in a smooch!

And we landed!! safely

Nelson Mandela once said everything seems impossible until it's done. this phrase perfectly describes what I'm dealing with stage by stage as my daughter grows and develops.When push comes to shove, I realize I can do something which was once impossible.

On May 21st, Naama and I were at my grandmother's apartment. My grandmother wasn't home yet so my uncle let us in. Before leaving he asked if I needed help. Everything was fine with Naama so I said no. Of course 5 minutes after my uncle walked out the door Naama made an explosive poop! I was able to change her diaper, but her onezie needed changing as well which was something I couldn't do because I didnt know how to work with both hands and lift her head at the same time. Usually I had someone to change her into a new outfit, but I was all alone. How hard could this be? I'd seen it done countless times before. I can do this. I automatically put my good hand under her head to lift. Right away I realized it was all wrong. My left hand which is my weaker hand was already under her neck and for some reason I felt more stable lifting her head with my bad hand. I slowly lifted her neck and with my right hand I reached over and pulled the onezie over her head! I just stared at Naama in disbelief. i did it! I put on her onezie!! I just reached the point where I could now be completely independent to care for Naama! Cerebral Palsy be damned!! But my joy was short lived because Naama was crying. She was HUNGRY! Now I had to figure out how I was going to nurse her by myself.At home I had my setup so I could nurse her on my own on one side and just pump the other. Being in a different environment was a bit tricky to figure out how I was going to feed her. I quickly finished dressing her and lay beside her on the bed to nurse. Laying on my left side was a struggle to get my nipple into her mouth. Naama was becoming hysterical and I was trying not to cry myself. I had to figure this out now. I quickly went to the other side of the bed and voila! Naama latched on right away. What a relief!! We lay there together for awhile. When she was done I put her back in her stroller and wheeled her to the living room. shortly afterwards my grandmother walks in...of course!


I left Naama with my grandmother and headed to my doctor's appointment. Following a somewhat painful visit, my doctor called me a hero. I smiled. Physical pain didn't make me feel like a hero. Overcoming challenges with Naama makes me feel like a hero=)

I'm Back!!

Today I spent all day alone with Naama! The help I was supposed to have cancelled which kinda sucked because I had to reschedule Naama's 4 month vaccination.

It was actually a big help that Naama woke up around 5am, because she wasn't starving when my husband left for work around 7. Before leaving, my husband changed her and put her in the swing. Naama fell asleep shortly afterward and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours which was good and bad. Doggie needed to go out and it looked like it was going to rain which was weird since the rainy season is basically over, but of course on the day I had no help it rained! While Naama was asleep, I took advantage of the time, had breakfast and made a few phone calls. One of those phone calls was to try and see if our washing machine could be fixed, but it looks like our machine has gone to washing machine heaven. REALLY bad timing!! but is there ever a good time to lose your washing machine???

As Naama was waking up, the sun began shining (thank god). I put Naama in her stroller and took a very desperate Doggie for a walk. On our way back, I was kicking myself for not pumping milk while Naama was asleep. I knew she would be hungry when we got back. I considered going to a neighbor so I could have help nursing her, but I'm tired of bothering people. I had what to give Naama, I just prayed that she could hold off until I had enough pumped for a single feed. She usually eats a bit over (150ml) 5 oz. in a feeding. I swore to myself I would never be one of those mothers who sticks their child in front of a TV, but seriously, THANK GOD for YouTube. It really helps when I'm in a bind. Naama loves watching children's videos. She loves the colors and the movements and it's really cute when she gurggles at the screen=) When we got back, I plopped her in front of the screen, put it on auto mode and let her watch as much as she wanted while I got her second breakfast ready.

What is usually an easy feed was anything but. At first she ate and burped just fine. When she's bottle fed, her burps crack me up. She lets loose a loud, long belch. It's so cute to hear such a sound coming from such a little body. Her father says she makes him proud=) I put her back in her swing and began feeding her some more, only this time she wanted to play instead of eat, so she semi-ate and cried each time I burped her. I finally realized what she wanted because she kept batting my hand away. She wanted to hold the bottle on her own!! She may burp like her daddy, but she's got her mommy's independent streak! I gave in and let her hold the bottle for as long as she was able.

After her meal, Naama fell asleep again for over an hour. As I was making lunch, I got a call from my South African Mary Poppins. She wanted to schedule time for me. As we spoke, she said "Dahling, are you eating? You neglect yourself dahling. You must eat!" Did I mention I love this woman?? For one she's really funny and has a lot of spunk for an older woman. She's also really sweet and brings me things from time to time, like black beer and leben yogurt. She says both foods will give my milk supply a kick. As it happened, I was using the yogurt she brought me in the lunch I was making and she was happy to hear it=) Thank god I had enough milk to pump for her today:)

After Naama's second feed, I changed her diaper and prayed I wouldn't find any presents in her diaper that required me to change her onezie. I have trouble taking the onezie off and I can't put a new one back on. Thankfully, Naama didn't leave me any gifts=) I played with Naama for awhile and then decided to give her some tummy time. I'm a little nervous to give her tummy time when I'm on my own, and a lot of the time, I simply forget about it, but if this baby is going to hit the rolling over milestone soon, she won't do it sitting in her swing!! I put her in her stroller, wheeled her to the couch and lifted her on to her tummy time mat. She had a good ten minutes on her tummy. I was so proud to see her trying to turn the bottom half of her body=) She will roll over soon enough! When she started to get cranky, I went to turn her on her back. It was a bit difficult for me to get a good grip on her and I kept pulling her butt and legs more towards me, so I could get a better grip on her. Poor baby with her face down was probably thinking what the hell is mommy trying to do here?! because she started to cry. I finally flipped her on her back and we played some more.

She could've used more tummy time, but I know the whole flipping thing is hard on her and me so I didn't give her anymore tummy time. I put her back in the stroller and wheeled her 3 paces back to her swing.

Putting her in her stroller to go such a short distance is time consuming and feels absolutely ridiculous, but it works so it's all good=)

Towards the end of the day I was totally wiped, but I felt amazing physically and emotionally. Lifting Naama several times throughout the day and working with both hands simultaneously strengthened my arms and hands almost immediately. Also, doing more physical tasks has really helped alleviate the horrible pain I had for months in my rotator cuff. My doctor prescribed physical therapy for the pain. Taking care of my daughter is my physical therapy! I was so happy to finally realize I CAN take care of Naama. I realized that having a nanny hindered me. I used the help as too much of a crutch so I didn't realize what I am actually capable of. That said, I will still have help off and on. I now know I can take care of my baby on my own if I need to and that's enough for me.

I had about an hour till my husband came home from work. As I was talking to him on the phone, I hear Naama leaving me a present=) I smiled at her and said "daddy's turn!"

Just one of those days

Today is a day where sitting down with my pint of Vanilla Almond Bark ice cream would be dangerous, but that's exactly what I feel like doing, only I'm not because I know I'd regret it later, so Im just eating some chocolate instead.

As you know, I still haven't found permanent help, but part of me doesn't want permanent help. I know there's nothing wrong with having a mother's helper, but I like being by myself. I feel like crap asking people to help me with the baby. Maybe having a mother's helper would be more bearable if I were working, but I'm not working now. I think having help is harder to swallow because it's a confession that I can't and shouldn't be on my own with my baby. In my building I have my next door neighbor who occasionally helps, though I know she's getting tired of it. I understand that. People have lives and they have already had their kids. Why would they want to deal with mine? Yesterday I met the woman who lives downstairs with her family. After discovering that she works from home, you can guess what my first question was=) She said she'd be glad to help me. I'm just tired of organizing people and times. I actually have a whiteboard with a weekly schedule. Unfortunately, It's empty for the remainder of this week. I have to call the volunteers and coordinate...UGH!! Scheduling is on a 3-4 hour shift since Naama is on about a 3 hour eating schedule, but the hardest times are the mornings. Sometimes she'll wake at 630am, so I feed her in bed, which means that the person who is scheduled to show up at 7, now I don't really need her and I hate hate hate having someone here so bright and early in the morning, especially on nights I barely slept. Sometimes I have to let them into my bedroom when my husband is trying to get ready for work....talk about awkward and frustrating.

Today, Mary Poppins was here from 7am-12pm. At 2:30, I texted my neighbor and asked if she was available to help me nurse. She came over and after feeding, we changed Naama. Ten minutes after my neighbor left, I hear Naama leaving me a present. Great! I didn't want to call my neighbor back because she was getting ready for work. I decided to deal with Naama on my own. I wheeled the stroller to her swing so I could transport her to the couch. As soon as Naama saw the stroller, she broke into a huge smile and began flapping her arms and legs in anticipation of a walk. Poor baby didn't realize I was only wheeling her about 3 steps to the couch! talk about a letdown! As I thought, Naama left me an explosive surprise which required me to change her onezie. Since I can't get the onezie over her head, I had to think outside the box. I changed her diaper hoping I put it on securely. I got her arms out of the onezie and then just shimmied the onezie down her body. I placed her in her footed pj's and buttoned her up. It took me quite awhile to change her.  I had trouble snapping the snaps closed. Naama eventually started to squirm and cry and I almost joined her, especially, as I glanced up to see Doggie on the balcony vomitting up shabbos potatoes for the 5th time today, thanks to children overfeeding him, but I finished changing Naama and finally got her back in the stroller. Naama fell asleep shortly afterward.

I sat down wiped and felt very defeated. What pushed me over the edge and the reason I began writing this post is because I saw pictures on Facebook of a friend who recently had her second child. She looked great. The baby was resting on her in a sling as she pushed her older child in a stroller. I immediately felt very jealous and sad. She can take care of her kids on her own no problem. I will never be able to carry Naama on me. I know everyone has their problems and I shouldn't compare blah blah blah, but yea I'm gonna compare. It sucks being me sometimes. The other reason I'm very jealous of her and some other friends who recently had babies, is that she had a home birth and was raving about how amazing the experience was. My other friends got to experience their baby's birth, but I was knocked out for Naama's birth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wanted to experience the pain of childbirth, even though I do think it would be nice to have gone through the birth experience at least once, but I at least wanted to be awake to see and hear my baby come into the world, but because I can't have an epidural without risking major neurological damage, I will never be awake for any other of my children's births. Maybe it's just because Naama is my first born, but for nearly 2 months after her birth, I felt I was missing a certain connection with her because I wasn't awake for her birth. I kinda feel cheated that I had a C-section under general anesthesia. When people ask how the birthing experience was and I say I had a c section, I get looks like oh poor you. sometimes the person asking will actually say Oh....which is followed by an awkward silence. This isn't just my perception.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm reminded of that whenever Naama smiles at me, but today is just one of those days...

Blessing

God has blessed me with a very intuitive baby. She understands mommy has limitations. The other day, I lifted Naama from her stroller to her changing mat which I had placed on our bed. Having the mat on our bed makes me feel more stable than trying to change her when the mat is on top of her changing table. I struggled to get her diaper on properly, and I couldnt get her onezie over her head. I tried numerous times but I couldn't do it. Getting the onezie over her head is a task that requires using both hands at the same time while slightly lifting the baby's head and then pulling the onezie down over her head and down her body. I was amazed that Naama didn't cry or squirm as I kept trying to get the onezie over her head. She just lay there quietly studying my face. In the end, my husband finished dressing her.



If Naama is wearing a button up dress, I can place her in the dress and then just button her up. Unfortunately she doesn't have many button up dresses, but the one she does have is super cute on her.

Unfortunately, Naama took the dump of her life in this dress a few weeks ago and I'm still trying to get the stains out!!

Another way God has blessed me is that Naama has been sleeping through the night since she was two months old. When I tell this to other parents of newborns they're shocked. I believe Naama knows that if she gets up at night, daddy also has to get up. He has to lift her from her bassinet and burp her when I'm done feeding her. My husband would be a zombie at work if he were getting up every night with me and the baby. I'm also very blessed that Naama wakes up smiling every morning. I don't know many babies who wake up smiling!

Naama did me a huge favor a few weeks ago, when we tagged along on one of my husband's meetings. I didn't have anyone to help me and I didn't want to be alone when Naama needed to eat. Naama  doesn't really nap for long periods of time and I was nervous that I'd have to interrupt my husband's meeting so he could give me the baby to nurse her and then burp her. Shortly after we arrived at the meeting, Naama fell asleep and stayed asleep for nearly 3 hours!!! I was so thankful=0)

My baby continually amazes me with how intuitive she is. I can pick Naama up from her swing if I'm sitting across from her. One day, I picked her up just to eat her up and I realized I could burp her in this position! She's big enough now that when I hold her against me, she can stand on me so all I have to do is pat her back. I was so happy when I realized I could burp her on my own. Last week, I was on my own for 4 hours with Naama. I pumped milk and bottle fed and burped Naama. Bending forward to feed her in her swing strains my lower back after awhile, so I was amazed when I saw Naama doing this

                    

I couldn't believe that at 4 months old she can hold the bottle by herself and actually be eating from the bottle!! I lifted Naama 3 times to burp her during her feeding. My hands and arms got tired from lifting and holding her. I didn't factor fatigue into the situation but I was extra careful with her. I loved being able to hug her as I waited for a burp. She kept nuzzling into my neck and I love her intoxicating baby smell. Having the ability to pick Naama up when she's in her swing makes me so happy. If I feel like taking a bite out of her I can, or if she's crying and just wants to be held, I can comfort her. Lifting her was something I didn't do when she was younger. I was too afraid of her lack of head control.

Realizing that I could feed Naama on my own gave me the courage to see what else I could do on my own. My husband was around as a precaution, but using the chair, her stroller and the couch, I did almost everything on my own.  From her swing, I put her in the stroller which is how I transport her around. On the couch, I can change her diaper or put her on her tummy time mat.

My setup

Putting her diaper on is hit or miss. Sometimes I put it on correctly and other times not so well, but practice makes perfect.

                                                    
                                                         mmmmm the fat rolls;)...oh yea successful diaper change!

 I'm ALMOST at the point where I can be alone with Naama all day. Once my husband takes Naama out of her bassinet and dresses her, I'm fine with her but if Naama decides to do an explosive poop and I have to change her onezie I'm stuck, so that remains a problem to be solved. If I have milk pumped, I can be on my own with Naama for longer periods of time. As great as it finally feels to have my independence, I know being alone with Naama for the day is not a realistic or safe option. 

I'm not always able to have a bottle ready for a single feeding, let alone have multiple bottles ready. If I formula fed her my problem would be solved, but I don't want to give up nursing since it's the healthiest option for her. Also, I love the closeness that nursing provides, so as annoying as it is to have to have someone with me, that's just the way it has to be. I need someone to hand me the baby to nurse and help position her in the football position when she feeds on my right side. I recently met a neighbor who is about my age. She offered to help me during feeding times because she is home with her kids anyway. I took her up on her offer once. Other than feeding time, I was alone with Naama all day. It felt good but scary at the same time that I was alone with Naama for so long. I feel that when a person gets too comfortable doing something that's when the accident happens, so that's another reason why I decided I won't be alone with Naama all day. 

Unfortunately, I still haven't managed to find a permanent mother's helper, so I have people coming in shifts throughout the day. The two people I had before are still helping me. Other people have volunteered their time in shifts. I'm very grateful for all the help, especially the volunteers since that cuts down on the cost of having help, but there are just days when having people here 10 hours a day gets to me, so some days I won't schedule anyone for the lat 4 hours because I just want to be by myself. However, having such a good tempered, adorable baby who everyone loves, makes having people here bearable. I just wish people wouldn't feel free to kiss her. That drives me nuts. Who knows what bacteria they may have??!! I haven't found a nice way to say LAY OFF MY KID yet=) 

I know my Naama is just yummy, especially when she smiles.  My Naama really is a blessing in every way.

The little train that could

I'm going to start this post by tooting my own horn;) Today I felt like the little train that could. Today I felt like my old self again. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I needed to take Doggie for a walk. My husband had left for work and the girl who helps me for the day hadn't shown up yet. The baby had been fed and was sitting happily in her swing.

At nearly 4 months old, Naama is big enough that she can sit in the stroller with an insert. Before hand, we had to put her car seat in the stroller. Because of the car seat's height once in the stroller, I never even attempted to put Naama in the stroller. For the first time just last week ,I put Naama in the stroller without the car seat, so I knew I could do it this time, except this time I was completely by myself. Last time, my husband was sort of with me. I say sort of because he was asleep on the couch. Today, Naama was gurgling happily in her swing, unaware of what mommy was about to try. I placed the stroller next to her, put the brakes on the stroller and sat down in a chair across from my baby and the stroller. I lifted my baby from the swing, brought her close to me so I could kiss her yummy cheek and placed her in the stroller! I strapped her in and we took Doggie to the park.

I was so proud of my accomplishment, I felt like jumping up and down shouting I DID IT!! I was so proud of myself that I took a picture of us in the elevator on our way back=)

Being able to do this small thing with my baby makes me feel more like her mother and not just her food source. Until now, I barely walked her in the stroller because the car seat made the stroller top heavy and easily tippable. Now with no car seat, the stroller is much lighter, so I feel more secure walking her.

Last week, when I went for a walk with the baby and my husband, I wheeled the stroller through the park and down a bit of a steep path. I felt good! I mentioned to my husband I was happy that I could do more now with my baby. I hate the way I feel when I can't physically do something, especially since I'm a doer...When we got back to our building, we had to wait for the sabbath elevator. I had to use the bathroom and couldn't wait for the elevator which stops at every floor in sabbath mode. Instead I climbed 6 flights of stairs. Doggie and I reached our apartment before my husband and the baby. I was out of breath but I felt great! I love being active. During the pregnancy and after the C section, I wasn't active at all.

Even though I can do a bit more with the baby on my own, I'm still searching for a nanny. Right now, I have two people switching days while my husband is at work. He got a day job outside the house, so we don't need a live in anymore! One of the nannies is an older, South African woman. I've dubbed her Mary Poppins. She speaks all proper with her accent and is a fine woman. She also turns up for work in a white overcoat, not unlike a doctor's coat. From the moment we interviewed Mary Poppins, I felt I finally found someone who understood me. She said I needed to feel comfortable with her since I am the baby's mother and she didn't want to overstep her bounds. I could've kissed her=) If you've read my other posts, you know I've had issues with other nannies. During our interview, I had to nurse Naama. Mary Poppins said "Do you mind if I look?" The woman was soooo hired=) I told her that I appreciated that she wanted to give me my privacy, but that I needed help positioning and burping the baby during nursing, so privacy in that respect kinda goes out the window. Unfortunately, Mary Poppins wasn't available every day, so she gives me two days a week.

When the baby's diaper needs changing, I will clean her and Mary Poppins will diaper and dress her. One day Mary Poppins said "It must be so hard for you dahling to have all these nannies here." My goal for you is to be rid of us nannies and for you to achieve independence." My jaw was on the floor. I promptly shut my mouth=) She proceded to teach me a few things This woman really understood what I was going through. WOW! When I need help with the baby, Mary Poppins will ask "Do you need my hands?" Interesting that she doesn't ask do you need me? She wants me to be as involved with my baby as possible. The second time she bathed Naama, she asked if I wanted to wash Naama as she held her. I smiled and said "sure". Naama was fixated on my face as I washed the front of her body as I spoke to her. As Mary Poppins was toweling Naama off, I told her this was the first time I washed Naama. She looked at me in disbelief and said "are you joking?"

Mary Poppins has given me the courage to try and do more with the baby. Today, I changed her diaper and buttoned her pajamas back up. I put her changing mat on my bed to make changing the baby easier. Her mat usually rests on her dresser in the nursery, which makes me uneasy when trying to change her, because the mat moves and I'm always nervous I may lose my balance. Having the mat on my bed takes away the balance issue, but bending over for more than a minute really hurts my back, so this is all still a work in progress!

Unfortunately, as much as I like Mary Poppins, she will only be able to give me a few mornings a week. Working all day is too much for her, even if she takes a rest upstairs=( I wonder if Mary Poppins has a twin...